Parenting Your Aging Parents

Parenting Your Aging Parents, Sept 1, 2003 by Francine Moskowitz, Robert Moskowitz

Dear Francine and Robert:

My mother-in-law, who lives with us, is beginning to have some significant health problems. Because of her smoking for many years, she now breathes supplemental oxygen all the time. In addition, she needs a walker, and sometimes gets confused about where she is or who we are.

But she remains quite capable of doing many of the chores of daily living.

The problem is, she wants me to do them for her.

There have been times when I've heard her get up, go to the bathroom, and get back in her chair or bed all by herself. Whenever I walk into her room, she's clean and dry, with her oxygen properly connected.

But when I'm sitting in there with her, she acts helpless and wants my assistance with everything, even the bathroom. She likes me to bring her meals to her room, too, even though she can easily come to the table.

Should I put my foot down about this pretense, or should I humor her?

Signed, Cat and Mouse

Dear Cat and Mouse:

Whenever a loved one you're caring for becomes uncooperative, it puts extra strain on your life and your emotions - not just because of the extra work required, but because of discouragement, knowing things could be easier.

Unfortunately, we're not able to offer a sure-fire way for you to gain your mother-in-law's cooperation. So we suggest you seriously consider the possibility that you won't ever get it, and take the time to decide if this extra strain will force a change in her living situation.

If you feel strongly that you don't have the time, energy, skills, or temperament to do everything for your mother-in-law, we suggest you let everyone know as soon as possible. The prospect of having professional help in the house, or of spending her days in an elder care center, or of moving elsewhere might motivate your mother-in-law to stop feigning so much helplessness.

On the other hand, you may be committed to continue caring for her, even with this pretense of total dependence. If so, turn your attention to winning more cooperation from her, and doing things differently to help make your life a little easier.

One approach would be to find situations where you can bond more closely with her. Another is to get your husband to talk with her about how much her dependence is dragging you down, and how this impacts his quality of life, and the children's, too.

You might also make some improvements by talking with others - family, friends, clergy, physicians - who are in a better position to counsel or advise her on this issue.

The key to continue caring for your mother-in-law without making yourself sick or depressed is to discover what's motivating this pretense of dependence. Once you know, you can address that specific problem in ways that may make her more willing to retain her independence, rather than give it up too soon.

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Dear Francine and Robert:

My mother and father have lived with us for several years. Dad is in a wheelchair, unable to do much for himself. Mom's dementia is getting worse. She can bathe, dress and feed herself alright. Mostly, she just needs to be watched.

I have all this under control. My problem is that - except for caring for my aging parents - I can't accomplish anything anymore.

This makes me resentful and angry, even at my older brothers - who help me whenever I ask.

Am I just tired and cranky? How can I get over this?

Signed, I'm No Fun Anymore

Dear I'm No Fun Anymore:

Yes, you're tired and cranky, as anyone in your situation would be.

You're resentful and angry not just because you can't do anything besides caregiving, but because other able-bodied family members help out only when you ask, leaving you with the brunt of the responsibilities.

They are probably relieved and grateful to you for everything you do. Maybe they even feel a little bit guilty. But there's very little pressure on them to make changes. So if you want to improve this situation, you're going to have to take the initiative.

It's natural to get tired of asking for small items of help, and for other family members to give you only what you ask for. The sooner there is a broader, longer-term allocation of chores and responsibilities, the sooner you can resume your own life.

First, stop asking your brothers for help, item by item. Instead of asking one of them to do the grocery shopping today, ask one of them to do all the grocery shopping, from now on.

Don't just ask another brother to drive Mom or Dad to a doctor's appointment. Ask him to take over all transportation matters, until further notice.

If you have paid help coming in, ask your brothers to share more of the cost with you. If you don't have paid help coming in, ask your brothers to start paying for some.

We suggest you offload to them as many of your responsibilities as you can. Then, under the decreased load, you can begin to care for yourself a little more, take some time off, and shed that cranky, resentful feeling you've been living with.

Mom and Dad will probably enjoy the change, as well.

It's our experience that a regular break from your responsibilities will do much to rekindle your normally happy, pleasant personality.