Rock starkidnap - Brief Article

New Internationalist, August, 2003

HI! HI! WELCOME TO ROCKSTAR KIDNAP!

TONIGHT'S VERY RELUCTANT GUESTS NEED NO INTRODUCTION FROM ME, OTHER THAN--'WHAT A BUNCH OF SELL-OUT HYPOCRITES.' YES, ITS--

STING, BONO AND GELDOF!

STING--HI! THANKS FOR BEING HERE! NOW ... YOU'VE GOT OVER 300 MILLION BUCKS IN THE BANK, 8 POSH HOUSES, AND AN EXPENSIVE HABIT OF ADVERTISING JAGUAR CARS WHILE WHINING ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT ...

TELL US--AFTER THE FIRST 100 MILLION, ISN'T IT JUST A TEENSY BIT GREEDY TO WANT EVEN MORE?

WHOAH--OK I'M A MILLIONAIRE I'M A MULTI MILLIONAIRE I'M A MILLIONAIRE IN NEWWW YOOORK

BONO ... GELDOF ... WHAT EXACTLY IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU OVER-PAID ROCK STAR DO-GOODERS AND SOME TWO-FACED CORPORATE SLIME-BAG WHO GIVES SOME MINUSCULE FRACTION OF HIS BLOATED INCOME TO CHARITY?

IS IT THE SHADES? THE HAIRSTYLES? IT'S NOT THE MONEY--'COZ BOTH OF YOU ARE WORTH OVER 45 MILLION BUCKS A PIECE, RIGHT?

HNNG! GAAGL GUGRYDY!

--LET ME INTERRUPT YOU THERE, SIR BOB, AND ASK--

WHY? WHY DON'T YOU EVER SAY ANYTHING RADICAL? OTHER PEOPLE RISK THEIR NECKS STANDING UP TO CORPORATE POWER, YET ALL YOU CAN COME UP WITH IS A LOAD OF VICTORIAN PHILANTHROPIST SHITE!

WHY IS THAT?! IS IT 'COZ YOU'VE GOT YOUR HEADS SO FAR UP THE ESTABLISHMENTS AR ...

ARMED POLICE OFFICERS! STEP AWAY FROM THE CELEBRITIES--NOW!

... Y'SEE THESE ANTI-GLOBALISATION PROTESTORS DESTROYED A DAY WHERE THERE WAS AN ACTUAL DIALOGUE GOIN' ON BETWEEN SOME AFRICAN LEADERS AND THE [Text unreadable in original source.]

"NO!" NO! HU--WHA-?

OOH, BOB-OUR SOFA'S A BIT TOO COMFY-YOU DOZED OFF THEN!

AW, JEEZ-SORRY--OI'VE JUST FLOWN BACK FROM AFRICA DIS MORNIN' AN DOUGH YOU'LL TINK I'M OFF MOI TROLLEY WHEN I SAIY DIS- BUT DE BUSH ADMINISTRATION IS DE MOST POSIDIVE FOR AFRICA SINCE ...

CHROIST, I AIN'T SMOKIN' ANY O' BONO'S GEAR AGAIN ...