Try Positive Self-Talk and Build Sound Relationships

School Administrator, June, 1994 by Roland C. Haun

I grew up in the mountains of East Tennessee, and my hero was Davy Crockett. Naturally, I was thrilled when the television series starring Fess Parker came on the air. I usually got a chuckle when Davy would be seen grinning down a bear. It was not until many years later that I recognized the meaning of that expression.

"Grinning down a bare (bear)" means finding someone you don't like or discovering somone who dislikes you and making a commitment to turn the relationship around. It's the same as killing someone with kindness, except in these instances the person is always seen as the "bare." The task is tough, but if the motive is sincere, the chances of improving the relationship will increase.

The school administrator who is willing to risk it all to support the best programs for kids will surface a lot of bares. For that reason, the grinning-down-the-bare tool can be especially useful. It does take planning, commitment, practice, and sincerity, but no matter how much time and energy you devote to the process, the results will create the most rewarding experiences imaginable. By the way, it may not work every time, so don't be discouraged if you run into a rare bare whose commitment to dislike is deep rooted in irrationality.

About three years ago, I discovered by accident what I think is the reason I've been so successful with the bares. One day, while listening to an audiotape, I heard the suggestion that whenever I found myself listening to a boring speaker, I could find the presentation more interesting by forcing myself to listen more carefully.

By changing my self-talk to positively affirming the content of the speech, I immediately increase my level of interest. I simply say to myself, "Isn't this an interesting speech! "I'm really enjoying what this person is saying. I don't know when I've heard such an inspiring message."

It's amazing. Try it. In just a few minutes, you might find yourself changing your opinion of the speaker. The technique also works with books.

One thing I've discovered is that the problem is not always with the bares. In fact, the problem is sometimes with me. Now I can't do anything about other people, but I can do something about myself.

You may want to try changing your self-talk. For example, I've been saying such things as, "I really like that person. I know I can make a friend out of them." I repeat those statements over and over.

As a superintendent, I even found I could make a difference in how school board members felt about me. If someone seemed to dislike me, I considered that I might be the problem. Such a discovery is called trauma. However, as I began to take responsibility for a poor relationship, the attitude was reflected in my interaction with the other person.

This process has been most rewarding. Imagine changing a 3-2 board to a 5-0 board. The results were 17 years in one school district and being able to retire when the board wanted me to remain.

The hero of my youth, Davy Crockett, taught me a valuable lesson about relationships with other people: maybe the problem is with me, and fortunately I can do something about me.