Dark castle: looking to loot OZZY's house

Thrasher Magazine, June, 2003 by Alan Velasco

I hung around in hopes a band might play or a bar would open up, but that was it. Just like that it was over--no picture with Ozzy, no autographs, no playing grab-ass with Kelly or the other daughter who's smart enough not to be on MTV. I asked the live-in maid if she could go get a picture of Ozzy holding a Thrasher mag, but it was a no-go. I took more pictures and I wanted to hang out but I had to eat something. I called my comedian Hollywood buddy Jonah Ray, 'cause he's usually more hungry, than he is funny.

RELATED ARTICLE: Blag Dhalia Bummed On Bunk Promoter

I SPLIT OZZY'S HOUSE in Beverly Hills and drove across town to get my grub on. We went to a little Mexican joint with outside seating and started talking about how much pollution was in every bite we took. All of a sudden I saw my old buddy Blag Dhalia of the Dwarves walking towards us. After bragged about being at Ozzy's crib I asked Blag why he was walking around Hollywood. "You remember Eric Vallintine from SF? He's got a studio right up the street and we're renovating it. Fiona Apple is going to come by later, but you guys should stop in before that."

The studio reeked of top 40 power. After a shitload of joking around and taking funny pictures, I asked Blag about what happened at the LA Shakedown...

I heard the Dwarves ditched the big show.

Thrasher has to set the record straight. This guy way over-sold his venue. He was selling tickets the day of the show and all these paying fans that paid 60 bucks for tickets couldn't get in. The dude let his greed get the better of him so the police and fire department came and started talking about fines. We knew he wasn't paying any of his people and he wasn't going to pay us, so we fucked him off. If anyone sees this guy, Ralf Carrara, they need to beat his ass. He needs to crawl away and die.

What other bands didn't play?

Supersuckers, Youth Brigade, the headliners from the next night. I'm not sure who played and who didn't, but all I know is the Dwarves are too smart to get fucked by an asshole promoter and I ain't going to play if I don't get paid. And I'm not going to play if half the people that paid can't come in, even if the other half packs the place. I don't play it like that--everyone that bought a ticket deserves to get in.

What if the half that gets in are all chicks?

I'll play if they have braces. This damn promoter is a pussy and he's passing out some disinformation, trying to make us bands that stand up for what's right look bad. I've been reading articles and seeing things online--this guy's bullshit. So, right here through Thrasher we are going to communicate. This guy Ralf, if I ever notice who the tuck he is, he's going to wind up with a knot on his melon for acting like a clown in Los Angeles. Go back to Vegas.

How many cities do you own?

I'm pretty much owning LA; San Francisco; Chicago, the place of my birth. I own New York because it's so boring there; half the people are dead. What else? Canada, because nobody else wants it.

The city of Canada?