When criticism cuts: learn how to deal with friends and family members who just don't understand

Muscle & Fitness/Hers, August, 2003 by Kathleen Engel

When pro figure athlete Dina Al-Sabah started competing three years ago, her friends thought she was obsessed. "Initially, it was hard to explain to them that I couldn't go out to eat and I couldn't go out and party all night, because I had to be at the gym in the morning. It came to a point where no one would call me anymore. They thought I was ignoring them."

Most women who compete can commiserate. "So much of our social life revolved around food that it was very hard," Dina points out. "My friends would get upset when we'd go out for 'drinks' and I'd order bottled water." Dina soon found herself spending more time with people who shared her lifestyle or were simply more supportive of it.

According to Blair Whitmarsh, PhD, a professor of human kinetics at Trinity Western University (British Columbia, Canada), people often believe that when a friend or family member becomes serious about fitness, it means that their relationships will change. "For example, [there may be a fear that] they will not be able to spend as much time [together] as they once did, they will not go out to their favorite restaurants ... they will not be able to just 'hang out' anymore," he says. "The problem is that they often build up the change in their minds to be much more dramatic than it actually is."

It's often hard to determine exactly why friends and family members are critical of your new fitness goals, says Whitmarsh, but he believes it's because major lifestyle changes are difficult to accept. "It is possible that sometimes, [people] feel threatened by the newfound love of fitness in their friend or family member," he says. "They may feel that they are not as loved as they once were because they are not in 'hardcore' shape and their love handles will no longer be 'loved.'" It's best to reassure your friends and family members that while your fitness routine may have changed, you haven't. You may have to explain that "you simply want to feel good and look the best you can," Whitmarsh says.

In time, friends and family members may become more accepting. Dina's old friends came to understand that she was serious about her competitive goals, and they now work their friendship around the early bedtimes and restricted dining choices that are part of Dina's new life.

Getting support from like-minded people can help take the sting out of criticism. But there are other tacks you can take, such as downplaying the minutiae about dieting and training, says Lorie Kimes, a mother of two and business owner who has learned to start contest preparation without any major announcements. "I've gotten to the point where I tell my mom the minimum I need to tell her," Lorie says.

The Men Issues

Husbands and boyfriends may feel especially threatened when the women they love get more serious about fitness. "I remember the day I got my pro card," recalls Anna Level, an IFBB fitness pro. "My husband [now ex-husband] said: 'Okay, well, that's it. You're done.' I said, 'What? Are you crazy? This is a dream come true!' He didn't want me to pursue it because he thought I didn't have it." Unwilling to jeopardize her marriage, Anna backed off from competing for a couple of years. "I think he felt a little bit on the back burner," she explains. "I was growing in the business and I think he felt I was slipping out of his hands, in a way. A big part of the problem was the time I was spending in the gym."

Other men just can't accept the actual physical changes that their wives or girlfriends go through when they start competing. IFBB pro Allison Bookless once dated a man who gave her a hard time. "He'd say: 'Ew, I don't like muscle on girls. You're getting too big. You don't need to lift.' That didn't go over well with me. I stepped back and realized that if he couldn't support me in something I loved to do, this relationship wasn't what I'd thought it was."

Coping Mechanisms

Criticism from friends and loved ones is painful, but a plan can help you deal with it. Whitmarsh offers several suggestions for handling criticism without taking drastic measures:

* Plan your cheat days. "For example, if you're going to eat a big dessert sometime during the week, make sure that it's not when you're alone but rather when you're with friends."

* Achieve your fitness goals slowly. Whitmarsh says that family members and friends may be more accepting of your athletic pursuits if you make changes over a few months, rather than all at once.

* Allow for an adjustment period. "Let your friends and family get adjusted to the new you. Remember to stop and smell the roses along your journey of fitness development."

Additional reporting by Brandy D. Colbert.