::: A Priceless Valentine - mother shares love for son

GoodLetter, Feb 14, 2002 by Jennifer Johnston

The meaning of Valentine's Day, as with so many holidays, has been obscured in the shopping frenzy surrounding it, as boxes of chocolates and flowers seem to mean more than intangible expressions of love. One mother rises above the din and considers how her son's school has made Valentine's Day worth far more than what money can buy.

Fellow GoodLetter readers,

My son's primary school observes Valentine's Day in a wonderfully unique way. Each day throughout the month of February, the school honors each student in informal ceremonies where fellow students, teachers and parents get together to deliver compliments to that particular child. This celebration is in keeping with the school's holistic philosophy that a child's emotional and social skills should be cultivated alongside their intellectual skills. Learning to acknowledge qualities and strengths in others -- and receiving that acknowledgment gracefully -- is a vitally important learning lesson.

Faced with delivering a "Valentine compliment" to my six-year old in front of 20 of his peers evoked such emotion that I was looking for ways to avoid it. Although I think I compliment my son frequently, and certainly try to make sure he knows he is loved, I realize that I have never actually pointed out, one by one, specific qualities that make him unique and so special to me. I knew the exercise would reduce my usually non-sappy self to sap.

I was struck by just how infrequently we really point out what is special in others. Sure, we say, "I love you" or "thanks" regularly, but when do we take the opportunity to really and truly dissect what makes a person special? What is unique and different about them? What constitutes their individuality?

My love for my son is the deepest and truest love I could possibly imagine. Absolutely unconditional. Yet, even with such powerful love and the encouragement of countless parenting books on raising an emotionally healthy child, it seems that the daily grind of work, school, meals, teeth brushing, and laundry gets in the way of kneeling before him and looking him in the eye to deliver an entire paragraph of compliments. His own agenda would also generally get in the way of him being willing to listen and absorb such compliments.

This year, the time was scheduled for my son to receive more than 40 compliments from his peers, teachers, parents, and himself. Each child had their day on the throne, at the center of the circle, their friends coming up one by one to bestow a gift of powerful words. Wow! When was the last time you sat before your friends and family and received such a bounty? No superficial "your eyes are pretty" or "you look like you've lost weight" statements here. No, these are compliments that cut straight to the very core of a person. This year, my son heard that his thoughtfulness was appreciated, his ideas important, his expressions inspiring.

He was also expected to write and deliver a compliment to each of his classmates -- a little different way to acknowledge Valentine's Day from the typical pre-printed card covered in red hearts. Students are asked to write out their compliments on a piece of paper the night before they deliver them, and to decorate it any way they like. The pages are later bound into a book for the student to keep. Through this "assignment," all of us are all receiving an important reminder to notice what is good in people and the world. I wonder what the world would be like if we all regularly scheduled time for such a thing.

In the end, I had to ask my husband to read my Valentine compliment to our son. I was simply crying too hard to get the words out. Witnessing the tenderness of school-age children saying what they thought was special about my little boy proved too much for me. But I was not alone. My son had consoled me a few days earlier, when I warned him I might get emotional, by saying "That's OK, lots of parents cry." He was absolutely right.

This is what my husband read to our son on my behalf:

Dear Cole:

Your love of language and information has always amazed me. I love learning from you and with you. I admire how new words are so easily incorporated into your vocabulary. I think you are fresh and eager and loving.

I admire that relationships are important to you. I like to listen to the connections you make with past experiences. I think you are good at remembering.

I love how you are proud of yourself when you try something new. I feel proud, too.

I like how your whole body tells a story, and your expressions make me feel good. I am proud of your willingness to express your fears and appreciate the reminder that you will grow at the pace that suits you best. I love our jokes and your fondness for telling them over and over -- so I will laugh. I think you are fun to be with.

I cherish being your mother. I love that you are my son.

I am incredibly grateful to this school for creating a learning environment where growing thoughtful human beings is as important as accurately reciting multiplication tables. These exercises benefit the parents as well as the kids, teaching us all how to be more open and loving human beings. That, to me, is a Valentine worth giving.