Canadian ministry to parents of homosexual children

Catholic New Times, Sept 12, 2004 by Rosemary Ganley

Three people with a long-standing ministry to parents in the Catholic church with gay sons and lesbian daughters visited our office on August 21.

It was a meeting to remember with humility and admiration.

Mary Ellen and Casey Lopata, co-directors of the Rochester Catholic Gay and Lesbian Family Ministry, came to CNT with Toronto social worker John Montague. The Lopatas were on a visit to facilitate a day of reflection for Canadian parents of gays and lesbians.

The Lopatas--parents of four and grandparents of seven--have graduate degrees in social work and theology, and are members of the National Association of Catholic Diocesan Lesbian and Gay Ministries in the U.S.

They have been working to support parents of homosexual children since 1992.

For John Montague, who organizes an annual day of reflection at Manresa Retreat Centre in Pickering, Ont, which now attracts almost 30 persons from Southern Ontario, the Lopatas were a natural choice for the conference.

They have recently completed a book, colourfully presented in rainbow colours, entitled Fortunate Families, which tells the stories of parents who often believe they must choose between their gay child and their church. It shows the struggles parents have in a usually hostile church environment, to "come out' as parents of a gay child. Although this is most often the case, there is also the phenomenon of increasing numbers of Catholic parents, as seen in the parents of gay teen Marc Hall in Oshawa two years ago, affirming their gay children and stating what they need from their parishes: education, affirmation, support and welcome.

"When we began these gatherings 15 years ago", Mary Ellen says, "there was the necessity for parents to break the silence, to say how isolated they were, how discouraged about official church teaching, to cry together. Now there is a change. Parents want to do something to change the dilemma their children face. The children, of course, are leaving the church in large numbers, no longer willing to suffer the abusive words and statements."

"There is, happily, another track," said Casey," the awakening of parish communities, the acceptance and a desire to serve their homosexual members and their families."

"Our high point was perhaps in 1997-98, when the American bishops issued a pastoral letter, Always our Children, and in Rochester, at least, Bishop Mathew Clark celebrated a Mass for gay people and encouraged pastoral staff to meet their needs as full members of the church."

"Today, sadly, there is a chill over all progressive ministries. Even those clerics we call "institution-friendlies" are afraid to speak out. But the conversations continue at the grass roots."

The day of reflection in Pickering will be "couched in prayer," said Mary Ellen, "in sharing experience in an atmosphere of trust, and in the Eucharist. Education for parents will include a summary of church teachings, including those on conscience."

For John Montague, the greatest need now in Canada is for parents, once they are comfortable and well informed, to assume leadership in the movement here. "It is a call," he says "to help others."

"Fortunate Families" may be ordered from Trafford Publishing, 2333 Government Street, Victoria, B.C, V8T 4P4; tel 250 383 6864 Web site: www.trafford.com

Casey and Mary Ellen Lopata web site: www.fortunatefamilies.com

"Always our Children": Pastoral Message to Parents of Homosexual Children and Pastoral Ministers, 1997.Web site www.nccbuscc.org

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