'I'm running for pope'

Catholic New Times, Sept 26, 2004 by Ed Griffin

Let John Paul retire. My name is Ed Griffin, and I'm running for pope. The Roman Curia has kept this ailing pontiff on the throne so they can maintain their power over him. Let him retire. Every old man deserves to rest.

The Catholic Church has reverted to pre-Vatican II days. It's time for reform. I'm running a positive campaign, based on two concepts--freedom and love. Real religion leads to freedom, so the only Church Law will be to follow your conscience.

The second--and more important concept--is love. Love God by loving your neighbor, your gay neighbor, your black neighbor, your jailed neighbor, your right-wing, red-necked bigot neighbor, your Sudanese, Chinese, Taliban neighbor.

Here's my platform:

1. From now on, women will be considered equal to men. A woman can do what a man can do--be a priest, a bishop, even a pope. The church has been prejudicial to women and owes them a deep apology. I will change the rules immediately.

2. Priests can get married if they want to. I'm married and it's made me a better Christian. In my youth I worked as a Catholic priest for five years in Cleveland. I often preached about love. Then I left the active ministry, married and found out what love was really all about.

3. I'm going to introduce some democracy into the church. We're going to have another Vatican council, except this time each diocese will VOTE who to send to Rome. Who knows, it might even be the bishop. This council, made up of women and men, clergy and lay people, will guide us through the chaos of today. It will also decide how to elect the next pope, the one after me.

4. For immediate change--the silly rules on contraception and the outdated ideas on divorce.

5. Professions to be honoured: scripture scholars, university professors, Doctors Without Borders, activists in the field. Professions on the way out: canon lawyers, Cardinals, curia officials, Diocesan Chancellors. On the first day of my administration, I will call for the resignation of all Cardinals and curia officials. Who needs 'em? We can keep the Swiss Guard, because the Vatican is a big tourist attraction.

6. I intend to make a lot of saints, some of them Catholics. Martin Luther King, Mahatma Gandhi, Dorothy Day and Pope John XXIII, to name a few.

7. Gay marriage--hey--I mentioned earlier, didn't I, about love? Issue settled.

8. Abortion--a tough call. We have to respect life, but we also have to respect people's conscience. And no one knows at what point a fetus becomes a human being.

9. All church building programs everywhere will be reviewed. We're going to concentrate on building Christian communities and homes for the poor, not massive suburban temples. Small is good.

10. All rules are off. Rules have no place in religion. Canon law is over.

11. I'll do this pope job for one year only--part time. I'm not giving up my day job. And no kiss-able rings, no tiaras and no fawning crowds.

So there it is. Up front. You can see why the curia is trying to keep the present pope on the throne of St. Peter. If you agree with my platform, stop contributing to your local church until we have a free and open election for the next pope.

Ed Griffin writes from Surrey, B.C.