The godfather of soul

MacWeek, Jan 12, 1998

Talk about harrowing, near-death experiences! Imagine Mac the Knife's shock and dismay to awaken on New Year's morning encased in a full-body cast. The mellow strains of Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music" pipe in from unseen speakers high above his head, and a phalanx of white-suited orderlies whisk by, bearing complex equipment and mysterious beakers of murky liquid.

Now consider the Knife's confusion upon discovering that he was physically intact. While the details are still hazy, the whole unfortunate plaster-casting idea apparently emerged from the bottom of a glass of ouzo sometime in the wee small hours of 1998, then took wing on the backs of some off-duty Chippendale's dancers and the Knife's corporate AmEx card. Now that's putting the "E" back in "T & E"!

I feel good

The Knife may have blown his Kwanzaa bonus on rubber tubing and powerful decongestants, but Adobe apparently still has some mad money in the kitty.

Readers of the Electric Knife (the online digs this utensil shares with his faithful intern, Brett, at http://www.mactheknife.com) already have an inkling of the San Jose graphics giant's latest power play: offering some serious gelt to Live Picture Inc. for the Scotts Valley company's soi-disant image-editing application and resolution-independent IVUE file format.

While this isn't the first time Adobe has attempted to buy Live Picture, the size of the current offer (somewhere in the eight-figure range) apparently has CEO John Sculley and company licking their collective pencil stub in serious contemplation.

Adobe may be willing to pay top dollar for swank software, but the company is apparently feeling less munificent when it comes to booking trade-show space. According to the burly male nurse charged with changing the Knife's dressings, Adobe is seriously considering taking a miss on this summer's Macworld New York shindig, citing its proximity to Seybold Seminars.

Watch me, now

Adobe is working the room with the sweaty confidence of a young Cassius Clay; sadly, the same may not be true of grizzled Mac cloner UMAX, which could be on the verge of closing up its SuperMac operation. The Knife's trick knee tells him UMAX is prepared to pull the plug by early August if Apple doesn't revisit its licensing policy.

And in another strategic withdrawal for the manufacturer, faint tremors radiating from across the Pacific Rim indicate that UMAX may be ready to exit the Japanese market faster than a U.S. representative can slalom downhill. Leapin' tamagotchis!

Good God, y'all

Speaking of radical reducing plans: The fellow who stopped by to clear out the Knife's drainage tube this morning informs him that Apple continues to purge its freshly reabsorbed Newton group. A recent deep cleansing eliminated all QA contractors, leaving no one to update the group's Web page or answer developers' questions, much less test and develop new palmtop goodies. (To quote the indefatigable Brett: "Snap my suspenders!")

Meanwhile, back at the other end of the horse, Apple is shaking up its evangelism group to focus on wooing and servicing large accounts; a new program will tend to smaller developers' spiritual needs.

Where's the bridge?

And finally, this just appeared on the Knife's meds schedule: Newer Technology is testing the waters with a $1,000, 250-MHz G3 upgrade for the venerable PowerBook 1400 that comes with a backside cache running at half the processor speed. Down, Newer! No more Ritalin for you.

Need a dose of drinkware? Call (415) 243-3544; fax (415) 243-3535; mac--the--knife@macweek.com; http://www.mactheknife.com.