Better to give; presents let us express our love and gratitude. Why, then, do we get so stressed out about them? And how can we bring sense and significance back to the season?

Natural Health, Nov, 2004 by Frances Lefkowitz

THOUGH WE LIKE TO COMPLAIN about the commercialism of the holiday season, no one--not even the two-sizes-too-small-hearted Grinch--would want to get rid of presents.

At its core, the exchange of gifts is a joyous ritual. Those robes, orchids, and batches of oatmeal cookies we bestow every year let us acknowledge important relationships and strengthen our bonds with friends, family, and community. "To give a gift to someone is to say, 'I am connected to you, and I know you well enough to know what you like," says M.J. Ryan, author of Attitudes of Gratitude.

Faced with a holiday season that's too often fraught with chaos, stress, waste, and debt, it's easy to lose track of the pleasure and meaning of giving. But by remembering what lies at the heart of this singular season, and looking afresh at the impulse to give and receive, we can make these days feel more like the spiritual celebrations they were meant to be.

look for the meaning

One way to bring meaning back to the holidays is to remember they are holy days. "Welcome in the spirit of whatever you're celebrating, whether it be Christmas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, or the solstice," says Barbara Biziou, author of The Joys of Everyday Ritual and The Joy of Family Rituals. Biziou advocates reviving your family's traditional ways of celebrating, or creating new rituals (such as making ornaments together or cooking a meal for a neighbor or stranger) if the old ones no longer feel meaningful. Instead of obsessing about presents, we can spend this season connecting with people through the sharing of food, warmth, and hospitality. (See "Nature's Holiday," page 99.)

Thanksgiving is a good place to start--the whole purpose is, after all, to focus on giving thanks. Ryan has found a way to make sure that everyone around her table remembers the holiday's true meaning: At her Thanksgiving dinner, each person takes a turn listening as the others say what they appreciate about her or him.

"When we feel gratitude for what we have received, we have an experience of fullness," says Ryan. "From that fullness, you naturally want to give back. This is true generosity, not obligation giving. It's the natural process of recognizing what we have and then sharing it."

the good gift

The virtues of gratitude and generosity are linked to each other like "the in and the out breaths," Ryan believes. Acknowledging our bounty leads us to the desire to share it; in this context, it makes perfect sense that Thanksgiving is followed by Christmas.

There is great pleasure to be found in giving--or receiving--just the right gift. Last Christmas, Ryan's husband gave her a box of 12 envelopes, one for each month; inside each envelope was a picture of one of her favorite flowers that she could then trade in for an actual bouquet. This was a successful present, she explains, because it demonstrated how well her husband knew her--plus, it lasted all year long.

Ultimately, the best gifts are the ones given from the heart, gifts that infuse our rituals with feelings and values. They're the ones that bring joy to the recipient and the giver--joy to the world. Even the Grinch realized this, right before his heart grew three sizes: Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas perhaps means a little bit more. Who could argue with Dr. Seuss? 5 great gifts

According to the Center for a New American Dream, 54 percent of Americans surveyed "feel that spending less money on gifts will allow them to focus on the true meaning of the holidays." Here are some gift ideas that won't break the time or money bank; for additional ideas, check out the center's Web site at newdream.org/holiday/index.html.

1 A personalized cookbook. Author M.J. Ryan likes to give, friends recipes for the kind of food they enjoy. Throughout the year she clips items from magazines and newspapers, then compiles them into a store-bought journal.

2 Something of your own. Giving away things you love to people you love is always meaningful, whether it's a family heirloom, a piece of jewelry, or a favorite book.

3 Photographs. Who doesn't adore a picture of the grandkids, a childhood snapshot of you and your best friend, or a visual memento from last summers camping trip? Frame a single photo, put a series in an album, or pick 12 and have them made into a calendar at the photo shop.

4 A gift of experience. Ryan likes to give activities--a spa day for two, a wine-tasting lesson from her husband--because they bring people together. Concert tickets, lunch dates, or a trip to a favorite hiking spot are also good options.

5 A donation. Send a check to someone's favorite charity in lieu of a gift (make sure it's their favorite cause, not yours). If you can't spare the funds, ask your friends if you can join them in their volunteer work.

nature's holiday

In early agricultural societies, where survival depended upon the cycles of nature, rituals were developed to acknowledge the winter solstice, the longest, darkest night of the year. The solstice--which falls around December 21--gives way to lighter and longer days. The Zoroastrians celebrated the solstice as the birthday of the sun; early Scandinavians paid tribute to their "Yule" time, burning logs for light and warmth; and Celtic Druids hung green holly to make way for the spring. The Romans combined many pagan solstice celebrations into one holiday, Dies Naralis Invicti Solis ("birthday of the unconquered sun"), held on December 25. Eventually, modern religions merged these celebrations with their own--but it's no coincidence that the dates correspond to the seasonal events which guided the ancients.