Write your way free: are you stuck in a rut? Putting your life story on paper can help you see—and change—the habits that hold you back

Natural Health, Oct, 2004 by Angela Hynes

"The only difference between a rut and the grave is the depth," observed Gerald Burrill, former Episcopal bishop of Chicago. However, Burrill left out another distinction: No one (save the occasional ancient emperor) spends decades building a grave. But most of us spend a lifetime locked into our own routines and self-limitations.

The first step in breaking out of our ruts is to see them for what they are. "Patterns that are created very early in life continue until we become aware of them," says Elaine M. Sullivan, a psychotherapist, educator and consultant who conducts renewal and wellness workshops around the world. "One way to become aware of our deeply embedded patterns is to write our life stories."

Through reflective writing, she explains, we can tap into our unconscious not just to identify the habits that hold us back, but to rediscover long-buried gifts that can help us embrace our wholeness: physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially and intellectually.

At first, self-awareness may seem like a mixed blessing. "We all have shadow and light, strengths and weaknesses, limitations and possibilities," explains Sullivan. But recording our lives--the good and the less so--invites us to celebrate the journeys we have made thus far as well as the promise of richer, fuller times to come.

how to write your story

If you were to sit down right now to compose your autobiography, it might feel like an overwhelming task. Take your time--maybe weeks or months--and focus yourself by using some or all of the following exercises and techniques.

Recall in great detail four or five positive childhood memories. It's not as easy as it sounds; once you start to do it, you may realize you haven't allowed yourself to benefit from the affirmative things in your life. "I often have to work with students to find really good memories," says Sullivan, "because we tend to remember the negative rather than the positive."

Write detailed descriptions of your friends and family. Record your impressions of parents, siblings, grandparents, friends, neighbors or anyone else you feel has played a key role in your life.

Describe the guidance and direction you got in grade school. "So many women received messages in childhood that make absolutely no sense," says Sullivan. "I've seen those messages binding their ability to learn and to use their creativity in areas they've never explored."

List the 10 most important transitions of your life, then write about each one. Think about what you learned about yourself and what qualities you gained during these pivotal times.

Place a picture of yourself from before age 5 in the middle of a page. Write every single thing you remember from that period on a spoke around the picture. Then do the same in roughly five-year increments until age 25. For your adult years, switch to decades.

Couch your story in "once upon a time" terms rather than a literal record. Using the language of myths and fairy tales can give you some distance, and bring surprising insights into how certain concepts and attitudes have influenced your life.

If you experience writer's block, try drawing the parts of the story you're stuck on. Using your brain in a different way can free up the creative process.

Go back in your mind and imagine sights, smells and tastes from your childhood. What story belongs in that room or with that food? "When you are in deep relaxation and using guided imagery, you're dealing with that twilight zone between the conscious and the unconscious," Sullivan says. "It's there that you often receive memories that are really significant."

Use music you love to enhance inspiration and intuition. "Music takes you directly to the heart and invites right-brain responses," says Sullivan.

Keep a dream journal. "Sometimes we're shaking loose some old stuff," explains Sullivan. "While you are in the process of writing your story, you may have significant dreams that offer clues to understanding the breadth and depth of your story."

Give yourself a break. "Never use what you are learning as a way to beat yourself up," Sullivan insists.

Tell your story to others. Sharing your words can be a beneficial experience. (See "Group Efforts Bring Rich Results," page 109.)

As you work on your autobiography, recognizable patterns of beliefs, attitudes and behaviors will emerge, and you'll gain a better understanding of where your energies are best (and best not) spent. By opening your heart and mind to your life's story, you'll acquire the power to deepen your spiritual dimensions, connect more meaningfully with others--and change timeworn ruts into pathways of personal growth.

RELATED ARTICLE: Group efforts bring rich results.

It's very helpful to write your story, even if you never tell it to anyone else, says psychotherapist Elaine M. Sullivan. But sharing the experience with a group of fellow autobiographers brings an even deeper set of rewards.

"When one person starts to tell his or her story, it jogs the memories of other people, and so the stories become richer," she says. "The excavation of the stories becomes deeper, and the learning becomes more profound."