What not to craft: use your craftiness for good, not evil!

Expression, March-April, 2005 by Hilari Ford

The last thing I want to do is step on toes here, but something needs to be said. If I hurt your feelings, I'm really, awfully sorry, but if you really think about it, you'll realize I'm right about this and your life will be all the better for taking my advice. Seriously.

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The Victorian era is over. Inanimate objects do not need outfits. Of course, in Victorian times the arms and legs of furniture were questionable and in need of covering for modesty's sake, but this is the year 2005 and I think there are just some things that should be, well, naked.

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The bottle of dish soap on my counter does not need a little dress. My roll of toilet paper does not need a little hat. My beer bottle does not need a little sweater. In fact, I feel perfectly safe saying that none of my disposable items need clothing of any type. There, I've said it. I don't know about you, but I certainly feel better.

Typically these items are called cozies. I'm not against cozies, per se. I've seen a few for cell phones that are actually quite cute and useful. The tea cozy, although a little antiquated, is sweet and certainly serves a purpose in keeping the tea hot. My objection is towards the cozy for items that are going to be tossed or that require more upkeep than the item being cozied. How often does the toilet paper hat need washing? Do I have to iron that dress my Palmolive is sporting? Do you see what I'm getting at here? It's all I can do to get a handle on my own laundry, but now I've got to sort the whites and darks of my cleansers? Not cool.

There are also cozies for your broom and vacuum cleaner. They usually have a stuffed head attached and come in a variety of different costumes from French maid to cowgirl. You slip the cozy over the neck of the offensive object and *poof* no one is wise to the fact that you own a Hoover. Seems like so much more trouble than just stuffing the thing in the hall closet if you ask me.

And what about the fickle finger of fashion? Sure, that gingham check may be the new black now, but what about next year? I don't want my Budweiser to be out of style. Will there be designer collections in both spring and fall with supermodels toting cozied-up household items down the catwalk? We have the power to keep that from happening, friends. Just say no to cozies.

So before you cozy up to a cozy, make sure it's something you would want to use yourself. Save yourself a little extra work and put your toilet paper in the cupboard, your broom in the closet and pour your beer into a glass. Put your efforts toward a triptych or a gourd rather than a bushel of cozies. You'll be glad you did.