"My sixth grade is filled with friendship troubles: three of the girls are friends one minute, enemies the next. There are tears and hurt feelings all around. What can I do?" - Can You Help?

Let Them Work It Out. The roller coaster of pre-adolescent emotions can be a rough ride for children and teachers alike. I intervene in extreme cases, but I have found that the children usually work it out themselves. Here are a few suggestions to help the process along. Try rearranging the classroom so that the girls are sitting by new friends. Help them see the value of spending time with other children who are not part of their small group, If necessary, take the girls aside. Try eating lunch with them and talking about the characteristics of a good friend. Help them to understand that every word or action does not have to be interpreted so seriously. Also, try matching their situation to literature. Many adolescent stories deal with hurt feelings and friendship triangles.--Mary Rose, Lake Sybelia Elementary, Maitland, FL

Create a "Fix It Plan." Nothing can upset the classroom environment more easily than when students are in conflict. Here's what I'd do: Have a conference with the girls. Help them to see that their behavior is affecting the classroom community. Ask them to take ownership of the situation and create a "Fix It Plan." With your guidance, the students can create and sign a set of rules of friendship and consequences that will happen if the "rules" are broken. Make sure that they understand that if the problem returns you will have to step in and solve it. Don't be more specific--leave them guessing. At the same time, work at modeling the friendship behaviors you want to see.--Debbie Stewart, Pleasant Hill Elementary, Topeka, KS

Collaboration Works. Guiding children through the ebbs and flows of friendships is a vital part of their learning process, especially in a world that values team players and the ability to work together. When a few students are having difficulty getting along, one strategy is to have them work together toward a common goal unrelated to their friendship ups and downs. For example, they could write and illustrate a collaborative story, dividing creative responsibilities. As they work, be sure to compliment their team progress and model for them words that encourage their efforts. With a project like this, students are free to express themselves as individuals and yet must work together to succeed. In the end, it may help them build a stronger friendship.--Jaynelle Liebrecht, Casis Elementary, Austin, TX

Dr. Brodkin says ...

Stormy peer relationships are the order of the day in early adolescence. These three teachers have provided wonderful suggestions on how to help children in conflict get back on track. Here are some thoughts on what's behind the unsettling behavior.

For these children, relationships with peers have never been as important before (and probably never will be again). During the middle-school years, children are beginning the process of breaking away from family to build a separate life, so there is an alarming emotional gap to fill. The peer group becomes a sort of substitute family. Earlier rivalries with family members are replayed. And just like siblings, friends need to be allowed to work out their own differences.

Keep in mind, too, the growing search for identity at this life stage. Children's conflicts are influenced by their efforts to define themselves and their place in the social universe. The good news is that early adolescence also brings a leap in cognitive capacity. Respecting and appealing to children's new skills in reasoning can be a great help.

Dr. Adele Brodkin is a child psychology expert and the author of Fresh Approaches to Working With Problematic Behavior (Scholastic, 2001).

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