Ask a child psychologist

Instructor, Sept-Oct, 2008

Q. With some of my fifth graders, everything is a competition.

Whether it's multiplication or free reading, someone always has to "win." It's driving me crazy!

A. Two suggestions: 1. Surreptitiously lesson the opportunity for them to play their "gotcha" game; 2. Ignore it when you can't prevent it. I'm not convinced it is vicious, but it sure sounds like the primordial male game of one-upmanship to impress a female--in this case, very likely you! If you ignore it, the game becomes pointless. Picture a male gorilla beating his chest and roaring without an audience. Where's the fun in that?

Discreetly separate these boys, not only physically, but also in the content of their assignments. If they are often working on different activities, the attention-seeking game won't work so well. If one is reading a Jack London story and the other is reading about Genghis Khan, and at different times, no "beat ya's" are possible. It would be unkind to suggest that you change your teaching style to keep these boys "out of the ring," but when possible, cleverly frustrate opportunities to compete and show off.

When the "chest beating" can't be avoided, remain unperturbed, silently conveying your conviction that it's not worth reacting to. Nothing is more discouraging to preadolescent bravado than ignoring it. But be patient. This tack can take a while.

Q. There is a boy in my third-grade class who wets his pants when he gets really excited. To help him save face, I invite the kids to use the bathroom every hour. Should I be concerned? His parents are already worriers, so I hesitate to increase their anxiety.

A. You are being very kind to both the child and his parents, and no doubt that is reassuring to them. But it is unfair to expect that you can solve their underlying problems.

It seems impractical to have a class full of 8- and 9-year-olds going to the bathroom every hour. Can you allow a policy of going whenever one feels the need, without having to get permission? Then too, would you feel comfortable having a private chat with the accident-prone boy, encouraging him to leave the room as soon as he feels the need?

But the real question is, why is this boy prone to "accidents" at his age and why do his parents worry so much? Neither you nor I can expect to guess the answers, which may range from "high anxiety is a genetic given in this family" to "there is something they haven't shared with the school about their family status or the child's medical history." It is not a teacher's role to figure this out. It is a task for the special services and medical departments of your district.

So, I would suggest that you start the procedure of referring him. Enlist the help of your principal, or go directly to the special services team. At some point, of course, the parents will need to be included in the inquiry. If everyone on the school staff is calm, but curious about how best to help, the parents might even be relieved to have the issues out in the open. There is an array of possible explanations for this child's compromised bladder control. You will help him best by supporting the parents in their effort to seek medical and/or psychological guidance.

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Adele M. Brodkin, Ph.D., is a senior child development consultant. She is the author of Raising Happy & Successful Kids and Fresh Approaches to Working With Problematic Behavior, available at the Scholastic Teacher store, www.scholasticstore.com/teacherstore.

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