Helping kids cope with frustrations at school

Instructor, Oct, 1996 by Lilian G. Katz

You and your students' parents are on the same side. You want to do what's best for your students; parents want what's best for their children. But there's no getting around the fundamental fact of school life that, from time to time, some students experience "down" moments: the able student falls short on a math project; the primary child dreads class meetings. Naturally, kids share their dissatisfaction with parents, and disgruntled parents may call you to complain. Even if you're a veteran teacher, you may feel apprehensive about how best to respond.

While it's not easy, you don't have to be the secretary general of the United Nations to diplomatically and constructively handle such incidents. In fact, children's frustrations provide opportunities for you to assist parents in helping their kids develop lifelong coping skills. If children learn to handle frustrations effectively, they will be more resilient throughout their school career and beyond.

To join forces with parents in their efforts to help their kids, you'll find a send-home for parents on the following pages. Distribute it at open house or parent/teacher conferences, or include it in a letter home.

Building Resilience: Helping Your Child Cope with Frustrations at School

When The Going Gets Tough...

Your children - like mine and all others - are bound to experience frustrations, distress, and setbacks from time to time in their school careers, such as stage fright at presentation time or disappointment over grades. But that doesn't have to mean that as parents we must launch a protest march down the road to the school. When my own children were small, I saw my job as helping them to cope with difficulties, rather than trying to make the school fit them.

I'm glad I decided to do that, because a growing body of literature on resilience and resistance to stress indicates that occasional frustrations can have positive results for kids in the long run. Children who experience no difficulties are as vulnerable later in life as are those who suffer from excessive stress. In other words, the normal ups and downs of life provide children with opportunities to develop immunities, just the way early experience with colds, earaches, and sore throats help build the immune system.

In the case of unhappy experiences in school, you have an important role to play in helping your children develop coping strategies. Here are some dos and don'ts.

DO help your child overcome anxiety by putting a message in his or her "psychological pocket."

One of my sons came home from kindergarten one day early in the school year complaining that during circle time he "felt cold inside." I believed then, and still do, that I knew what he meant. I asked him gently, "What time do you have circle time?" As he couldn't read at the time, he didn't know. I asked him about the morning schedule and deduced that circle time was at about 10:30 A.M. I then said to him, "Tomorrow during circle time, look at the clock. I will look at the clock at around 10:30, too. Then remember that I'm thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way." When my son was 27 years old and I was teaching in India, he wrote me in a letter, "When I think of you, I feel you right next to me - just the way I did way back in kindergarten!" He never forgot this coping strategy.

DO remind your child of how he or she coped with bad moments in the past.

Does your child get scared or cranky at the prospect of tests, presentations, or new classroom routines? I remember when one of my sons was in first grade, I went to school to pick him up early to take him to the dentist. He already had had a few minor dental problems and, needless to say, was not eager to return for more work. He fussed quite a bit about leaving school. I then said to him, "Remember how nervous you were the last time you went to the dentist?"

"Yes," he said, almost tearfully.

I continued, "Remember how uncomfortable it was in the dentist's chair?"

He shuddered and said, "Yes."

Then I added, "Remember how awful it was with all that stuff in your mouth while the dentist worked on your teeth?" By this time he was clearly distressed and nodded his head in agreement.

Then I said, "Remember how relieved you were and how wonderful you felt when it was all over?" To which he responded with a bright, positive "Yes." So I said, "It's going to be just like that all over again. You'll feel uncomfortable for a little while, and then it will be all over." Off we went for the unwelcome appointment.

This strategy illustrates several important points.

* It is important not to pretend that an experience will be painless. Be honest with children so that they can trust you.

* By joining with our children to face up to the distressing experience, we encourage them.

* When children learn to use their past experiences to cope with anticipated discomforts, they've gained a strategy they can use throughout life.

DO help your child focus on larger goals.

Almost every child will have a teacher or classmate at some point whom he or she does not like. When such cases arise, you can be most helpful by saying something like: "Sure, I can imagine how unpleasant that must be. But there is no way that every child can like every teacher all the time, the same way that no grown-up can like every person he or she has to work with. Part of life is learning how to keep working at what really matters even if you can't enjoy all those you work with. The important thing for you to keep in mind is what you can learn from your teacher. A teacher doesn't have to be your favorite person for you to learn from him or her."