A fantasy: Coming to an open field near you - Brief Article - Editorial

Home Channel News, March 5, 2001 by John Caulfield

Today, we are broadcasting live from Dead Dog Hollow, Ark., population 2,137, to report on the simultaneous grand openings of Home Depot, Lowe's and Sears Great Indoors.

As the result of a special rezoning ordinance, the three mammoth stores share a common parking lot, accessible from the area's main thoroughfare, the two-lane State Road 3. Town fathers also dispensed with rules that limit the size and height of curb-side signage. Each store's halogen-framed name is hoisted atop 50-foot-high pylons that reportedly can be seen by residents of Missouri.

Early this morning, our correspondent caught up with Home Depot's chairman, who flew in from Atlanta for the festivities:

Our correspondent: "The rule of thumb used to be that warehouse stores needed a population of at least 50,000 to have any hope of being profitable. Isn't Dead Dog a bit small?"

Home Depot's chairman (wearing a denim shirt with his company's insignia on the pocket, a John Deere baseball cap and work boots): "Not at all. Smallness has its virtues. I've had the great honor of visiting the homes of every person in town to personally invite them to shop our new store. You don't do that kind of one-on-one marketing in Chicago. Plus, our stores have never just pulled from only the immediate area, but actually expand the market."

Our correspondent: "Don't you already operate 15 stores in the state?"

Home Depot's chairman: "That's true, but what has always separated Home Depot from its competitors is our unparalleled product assortment and customer service."

Lowe's sent a contingent of 20 executives to the opening of its store here, and it set up a 7,500-square-foot tent in the parking lot where food and drinks were served. Lowe's chairman, wearing bib overalls and a straw hat, stood at the store's entrance, glad-handing local pols (who saw the arrival of these dealers as a way around cleaning up the toxic waste dump that these stores now Sit over) and shouting 'howdy folks" to the occasional car that whizzed by. Lowe's has three other stores under construction in Arkansas, and he said his company was destined to win the market share battle because of its "unparalleled product assortment and customer service."

Oh look, actual customers walking into the Great Indoors. "Can I get your names?"

"Thelma and Junior Bigby."

"Bigbys, what brings you to Great Indoors?"

"Well, every day for the past two weeks, we've been bombarded by ad circulars in the mail like it was the Second Coming. So we thought we'd come see what all the commotion is about. Damn, this store's humongous! First DirecTV, and now this."

A elderly greeter sidles up to this couple and asks how he can be of service. Thelma replies that they're only browsing, but she mentions that she needs to buy some light bulbs. "Surely you jest. Can we interest you in a complete kitchen remodel."

Across town, Wilford Gallagher calmly leans against the front clapboard wall of his Rexail Hardware, Lumber and Pharmacy store, which before today was Dead Dog's sole outlet for home improvement products. The fact that 450,000 square feet of new retail selling space has descended upon the market doesn't faze him. "I'll lose some business in the first couple of months, but before you know it those guys will be sendin' customers to my store for stuff they don't carry. Plus, I don't have shareholders and investors breathin' down my neck demandin' profit increases every three months. We'll see what's what soon enough."

We asked Gallagher if he had received any competitive help from the buying group his company belongs to. "Are you kiddin'?" he retorts. "The co-ops stopped servin' small-town dealers years ago."