Self-neglect: a practitioner's view

Aging, Spring, 1996 by Wendy Lustbader

Confusing Friendship and Exploitation

Exploitative people posing as friends frequently prey on vulnerable elders (See articles on pp. 62 and 66). Their true numbers will never be known, for the simple reason that their victims generally do not perceive their victimization. Exploiters find their prey in public places, such as fastfood restaurants and bus stops, or in their own apartment buildings and neighborhoods. Lonely older people, those recently bereaved, and those who have lost vision, hearing, or physical mobility become easy targets to the extent that their loneliness, sorrow, or disability becomes visible to these fortune-hunters.

In a typical progression, the exploiter starts a conversation with an older person, finding out that the person lives alone and is having difficulty with household chores and errands. The next move is to offer to do some housecleaning or errands for a few dollars an hour. Once having gained entrance to an elder's life in this manner, the exploiter then builds on the relationship, feigning interest in the elder's circumstances while explaining all about personal troubles of their own. Eventually, the relationship begins to feel to the older person like a friendship.

The next stage tends to evolve slowly, in increments small enough to avoid arousing the older person's suspicion. The exploiter may ask for occasional cash loans or for a few more dollars added to their wages. The bolder ones may ask for "favors," such as borrowing the use of the elder's car or using the elder's credit card with promises to pay when the bill comes. Some get the older person to buy them "gifts" of clothing and jewelry, or to take them out to dinner on a regular basis, all under the guise of friendship: "You're so good to me. What would I do without you?" The older person feels useful and affirmed, glad to be playing an important role in someone's life. The further evolution of these relationships rests in the sense of importance the older person feels. The exploiters know how to take advantage of a lonely person's hunger to matter to someone else or an idle person's yearning for a purpose. The role of protector or benefactor may satisfy a deep need. Time that had been empty or pointless may turn into something meaningful in the hands of someone skilled at playing the part of a grateful recipient.

If challenged at this juncture to explain money given away or purchases made on the exploiter's behalf, the older person may cite all the things this "wonderful" person has done for them in terms of chores and errands. Having lost sight of how the relationship began, the person may see those tasks as kindnesses granted by a friend rather than jobs done by a hired person. If reminded of how recently this "friend" came into their life and how friendships do not normally require so much financial generosity, the older person may insist, "You just don't understand. She's been through so much in her life. She deserves a break."

Once the elder has given a substantial amount to the exploiter, the relationship tends to solidify into three intractable beliefs: (1) that the exploiter is a true friend, (2) that other people misunderstand and wrongly treat this person, and (3) that the person would not be able to make it without this vital help. Efforts to dislodge these beliefs tend to be met with ardent denials. To admit that this "friend" has had motives other than affection would be equivalent to admitting that one has been a fool. Such an admission becomes all the more difficult the more money and caring one has squandered.