Family dissolution - an issue for the schools: an elementary school program and group sessions in a middle school

Children Today, July-August, 1984 by Mary Beth Williams, Carol Elaine Hoffman

Reluctantly, both parents arrived, although they had not spoken to one another in months. We established some ground rules, which included keeping the focus on S., using "no-fault' statements and maintaining respect for one another, and two hours later, the parents began to talk to one another. S. used me as a mouthpiece to express her pain at "losing' her father; the father recognized his daughter's needs, and together we developed a visitation schedule as well as guidelines for communicating with S.'s mother. It was also agreed that the stepmother would come in to see me.

Now, two years later, S. and her stepmother have a good relationship. S.'s grades have improved, the father still calls me regularly (from 200 miles away) if behavior problems occur during S.'s visits, and he and his former spouse are able to talk in a more businesslike fashion about their children. While all is not perfect, the situation has improved. This past year S. participated in a 7th-grade girls' group and had a stabilizing influence on the others. She could talk honestly about her past feelings (jealousy toward the stepmother), behavior (deliberately trying to destroy their wedding) and dreams (her mother's future happiness and remarriage). She is less hostile toward either parent (even when child support is late) and no longer harbors any feelings of responsibility for the breakup of the marriage.

Psychoanalyst Robert Schreiber has noted that studies by divorce researchers illustrate that "divorce can destroy every good relationship in a family unless hard work and understanding are devoted to saving the child.'6 Thus, mediation in the schools can help save the child and reinforce the child's need for information, love and consistency from both parents.

Group Sessions in A Middle School

dolescence, especially early adolescence, is a period of great change. Adolescents are moving toward more independence from the family unit, they are becoming more involved with their peers, including members of the opposite sex, and their concerns about parents who have separated or divorced are broader. J. Kelly and J. Wallerstein report that adolescents might encounter moral conflicts in judging their parents' behavior.9 While learning to deal with their own sexuality, adolescents may suddenly become more aware of their parents' sexuality when they see them dating. As one girl said, "I'm 13 and supposed to be worried about boys and dating, not my mother.'

Adolescents are also beginning to look at their own future, including their own concerns about marriage. They may question the possibility of marriage altogether, or adamantly declare that what happened to their parents will never happen to them. Adolescents also have a more realistic understanding of custody and finance issues than younger children do and they are aware of the presence or absence of child support payments. At this age, too, an adolescent can often have a final say as to whom he or she wants to live with.