Living Alone

Christian Century, Oct 8, 1997 by Bonnie J. Miller-McLemore

By Herbert Anderson and Freda Gardner. Westminster John Knox, 140 pp., $13.00 paperback.

Families have seldom been the subject of theological reflection. Herbert Anderson, along with a changing group of coauthors, establishes a fresh framework in which to understand and minister to people in a variety of family situations. The books are organized chronologically around five major moments in the family life cycle. As in Erik Erikson's life stages, the resolution of the crises in the later phases depends on earlier accomplishments.

The cycle begins with a critical first step--that of "leaving home," not just literally through physical separation but metaphorically through emotional differentiation. Anderson, professor of pastoral theology at Catholic Theological Union in Chicago and author of The Family and Pastoral Care, and Kenneth R. Mitchell, professor of pastoral care at Eden Theological Seminary until his sudden death in 1991 (Anderson and Mitchell had intended to coauthor the whole series), define leaving home as "a readiness, willingness and ability to make one's own decisions, and to make one's way in the world without undue emotional dependence on the home one has come from." Recognition of and open communication about the unavoidable loss and grief that accompany change, as well as parental blessing and family and religious ritual, assure safe passage into new roles and self-understandings.

A better, albeit awkward, title for the first book in the series might have been "Leaving Home and Making a Home." Despite the conventional Christian emphasis on pilgrimage and the American obsession with independence, sustaining community and creating a home are by no means simple or negligible tasks. On their concluding page, Anderson and Mitchell even speculate, correctly I think, that finding a home rather than leaving one may be the dominant agenda of our time.

More important, this change in title would highlight the prominent part that paradox--especially the paradox of "being separate together"--plays in all five books. Paradox does not just offer a way to hold the values of autonomy and community together. It typifies the human relationship with God. As Parker Palmer argues, the cross expresses the greatest paradox--"to live we have to die." New life begins with loss. The death of old loyalties precedes the new creation in Christ.

Whether or not one agrees with this theology, the tension of paradox does capture essential qualities of Christian life in families. The task is not to overcome paradox but to learn to live well within it. As the introduction to the second book asserts, paradox can even provide the occasion for transformation. Consequently, leaving home, like all family transitions, is ultimately a religious act reminding us that all human homes are important but transitory. Our ultimate destiny is to follow God's call. Conviction about God's participation in creation and redemption makes it possible to take the risks of leaving, committing, birthing, promising and living alone.

Becoming Married is the volume many will want to read prior to marriage. It might also help parents "stay close and stay out," an insight gleaned by Anderson himself during his children's wedding preparations. This volume seems to be written with greater confidence and command and is packed full of ideas and suggestions. Anderson and Robert Cotton Fite, a pastoral counselor, identify two primary tasks in becoming married: 1) understanding the legacies handed to us from our families of origin (which are often a major source of conflict)--rules, rituals, roles and expectations, and conceptions of right and wrong; and 2) planning a wedding and marriage that best link these legacies with particular religious traditions and the vision of the kind of family the couple desires to become.

The genogram, as described by Anderson and Fite, provides a wonderful alternative to the premarital personality inventories widely used to predict marital success or divorce. Creative use of the genogram, a map of the significant relationships of one's family of origin from a multigenerational point of view, helps partners discern their family stories and talk about what one wishes to leave behind and what one wants to retain. Instead of concentrating on individual personality quirks, the genogram emphasizes family history, story and future visions. This method seems much more amenable than questionnaires to linking personal stories to stories of God's redeeming action.

Since the serious work of building a marriage comes after the wedding, pastors must give a higher priority to supporting couples who are already married. An overarching theme in all five books predominates here: much better than the myth of a picture-perfect wedding and relationship is the honest acknowledgment of the contradictory, parabolic reality of genuine marriage and its paradoxes of intimacy and distance, loss and gain. As framed by themes in the Jewish and Christian tradition, marital success ultimately rests upon taking the covenant partner with "abiding seriousness."