Coming to gripes

Christian Century, Nov 12, 1997 by Martin E. Marty

READERS SEND me announcements from their churches, and I pass some on to you. The pastor of First Baptist Church in Waycross, Georgia, used his newsletter to thank the congregation for holiday gifts, "many of which were autonomous." Those independent Baptists! The Fremont-Midland Entertainment Series in Nebraska presented a recital by the Golden Strings, from Minneapolis. "These virtuous violinists frequently stroll among the audience, delighting all." They're good musicians.

Fairfax Presbyterian Church in Virginia announced that for a Lenten supper and discussion series, "J.P.'s Deli and Bakery of Fairfax will provide a different sinner each week for a very reasonable price."

New Holland United Methodist Church in Pennsylvania explains in its invitational folder that the church's mission "is rotted in our faith in God as he has revealed himself in Jesus Christ."

At Granby, Colorado, the Church of the Eternal Hills advertised: "Ash Wednesday falls on March 1st this year, which is also the first Sunday of the Month." Calendar reform amok.

Fourth Presbyterian Church in Chicago printed a photo of angels, which, as the flier describes, "grace the top of the piers in the knave."

Our Savior Lutheran Church in Hanover, New Hampshire, reported that "Our Savior hosed a Bread for the World informational meeting."

And a pastor wrote about a well-attended service where he saw a vigilant usher "gasing around the throng." High-octane worship.

A Twin Cities church and a Comanche, Iowa, congregation both address an unusual need: one announced a "Panty Sunday" and another published a newsletter item on "Panties United." Once they got readers' attention, they asked for food donations for ministries to the poor.

Political correctness has apparently not affected First Congregational Church in Woodstock, Connecticut. Members received a Heifer Project report from the church's "Broad of Outreach."

The Charles Fuller Institute Order Form lets participants sign up for "44 Ways to Revitalize the Women's Organ." Inspired by Marabel Morgan?

In the Newsletter of the Missouri School of Religion, John H. Bennett discussed the document "Churches in Covenant Communion." He called it "a new model of ecumenism, convent communion." Cloistered unity.

The pastor of First Baptist Church in East Point, Georgia, said in his column that "a woman died in New York City of salvation who was found to be worth more than a million dollars." Born again, died again.

Ebenezer Associate Reformed Presbyterian Church in Blue Mountain, Mississippi, announced, "Next Sabbath: The Jubilee Birthday Party will he hell." We've been to that kind.

New England Seafarers Mission, East Boston, reported that "despite the early bad weather, a large crow attended this annual event." We would have expected them to be gulfed.

The minutes of a United Methodist church's board of trustees' meeting recorded, "Stropes Electric Installed Pope on Flagpole. Flag is Now Flying." Vlad the Impaler strikes the papacy!

St. Luke Lutheran Church, Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, asks "Have you come to gripes with Jesus Christ?"