Andrew, You Died Too Soon. - book reviews

Christian Century, Feb 2, 1994 by Donna Schaper

Andrew, You Died Too Soon.

By Corinne Chilstrom. Augsburg Fortress, 140 pp., $10.95.

CORRINE CHILSTROM'S son, Andrew, died at age 18. He shot himself in his parents' basement. Andrew was the adopted child of Corrine, a Lutheran pastor, and Herbert Chilstrom, presiding bishop of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, and never came to terms with the fact that no one "looked like him." Its difficult to get through the first few pages of this book without crying; nor can one finish it without tears returning, only this time seasoned with joy.

Chilstrom aims to help others who may have lost a child, experienced the suicide of a loved one or know the difficulties of raising an adopted child. This triple purpose is well served by a clarity of writing that makes readers feel like they are in a conversation with a good friend. Chilstrom talks strong but not down; she says painful things in such a way as to make her hard-won wisdom seem easy.

Practical advice to parents who grieve is the center of the book. Let yourself grieve; there is no point in bottling up emotions, Chilstrom says. Lean on friends. Have rituals. Say good-bye. Be prepared to be surprised by seeing someone who looks like your child, by not being able to shop in the grocery store and pass certain food displays. "I don't buy pears any more" is one of the most moving chapters; it tells of the challenge of reentering normal life. It gives reasonable answers to impossible questions, like the inevitable "And how many children do you have?" ("We have three, including Andrew, who died.") The Chilstroms' decision to have a party for Andrews friends at a holiday time after Andrew's death, at which they distributed his clothing and mementos, is an example of the practical acts of caring described throughout the book.

Chilstrom tells of not knowing what to do at Andrew's grave--so she scrawls in the dirt, "We miss you, Andrew." She acknowledges the way both she and her husband had to struggle to reclaim the place in the basement where Andrew killed himself. They eventually made it a place to pray.

The book summarizes and makes accessible quite a bit of sophisticated research on suicide and adoption. Chilstrom quarrels with those who would simply blame the family for failing Andrew. She doesn't deny her family's shortcomings, but knows that many factors led to Andrews decision. By mentioning some reasons why youth take their own lives, she places some of her anguish in a helpful context.

Chilstrom now counsels many parents around the country about teen suicide. Her use of the Bible and advice to pray the psalms when "grief ...dries up the words of prayer" in us--is excellent.

Chilstrom learned from another griever, Frederick Buechner, that grief is like having your house burn down. It takes a long time to know all that you have lost. No matter how well placed or how deep the parents' faith as Christians, each one had to walk through a lonely and awful valley. That they have come out on the other side to tell their story is a gift to their other children, and to many others.