SINGLE And Satisfied

Ebony, August, 1999 by Kelly Starling

Unmarrieds find fulfillment with or without someone special

WHEN Chicagoan Braunda Ridley turned 25, people around her began to panic. It was as if she suddenly mutated from a happy single into a pitiful spinster. Everyone had a solution. Some folks tried to fix her up. Other good intentions came out as harsh judgments--"What's wrong with you?" "You go to that big church and you still can't find anyone?" "You're going to have a baby with a handicap if you wait until you're old before giving birth."

Ridley says even strangers joined the action. If they spotted her eating alone, they asked, "Do you want some company?" Men tried to pick her up. Others raised their brows. Many singles such as Ridley get badgered by relatives, friends and well-wishers who refuse to accept that they choose to be alone. But a growing number of Black professionals are doing just that. They're exploring careers, indulging in the joys of travel, rediscovering pastimes and kindling new passions. Most say they want to be married someday, but they feel content being single until they meet the right person.

"I'm not married because I'm not ready," says Ridley, a 28-year-old kindergarten teacher's assistant and vice president of the single-adult ministry at Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago. "God is preparing that person. While I don't plan to be single forever, I am satisfied now."

Single and satisfied. For some people, those words go together about as well as peanut butter and mayonnaise. Even in the '90s, many people equate being a couple with being happy. Experts say the numbers show a different story: According to the U.S. Bureau of Census, in 1998 more than 5 million African-American men and women--age 15 and older--had never been married. In 1960, about 2 million people passed on jumping the broom. Even without counting divorces, we have twice as many single folks today.

"The number of singles has increased dramatically over the years," says Dr. Larry E. Davis, author of Black and Single: Meeting and Choosing a Partner Who is Right For You. "Some of the growth has to do with demographics. Some people are focusing more on their careers. Some people just aren't getting married."

A major reason for the rise in singles is that more people are seeking personal fulfillment, experts say. Unlike past generations when couples started together at the bottom, many '90s professionals want to bring more to the marriage than love. They may acquire degrees, make some investments, purchase a first home--all before getting hitched. If they meet someone to share it with, they're thrilled. But if not, some are content to live alone.

Attorney Marvin Morris says he's ready to be married, but he wants to make the right choice.

"The simple answer [why I'm still single] is I haven't met her," says the 30-year-old director of policy and operations for the D.C. office of budget and planning. "I went straight from undergrad into a job that required me to work long hours. Then I went to law school. I started a company in South Africa. That took up a lot of time."

Experts say many African-Americans feel comfortable being single because there are simply more unmarried people around. For every single person who feels pressured to get married, there's another one who feels accepted.

"Blacks perceive less of a liability for being single than Whites," says Dr. Davis. "Sixty percent of Whites are married while 60 percent of Blacks are single. Being single for Whites is more of an unusual status. If I'm single and Black, I have lots of company."

Morris agrees that he feels little pressure to rush into marriage, even though his sister and some of his close friends have tied the knot. Morris says he has just as many happily single friends. He thinks friendship is the best way to meet a good mate. "Everything starts with friendship," he says. "After you get to know them, you know if they're right for you."

Until then, Morris goes about the business of life. Along with working for the District of Columbia, the lawyer runs his own company, which takes him to exciting places such as London and South Africa. He takes leisure trips, visiting friends from New York to Miami. When he's in D.C., Morris plays golf, eats out at favorite restaurants, chills with friends in popular lounges and salsa bars.

Morris laughs when asked if his friends attempt to play matchmaker. He says people try to hook him up all the time. He appreciates their efforts, but he says he's on God's clock.

"I do want to be married," he says. "But generally speaking, I'm a very patient person. I don't set timetables for things, especially if it deals with my emotions. If it takes 20 years from now, it was intended to take 20 years. But I don't think it will."

Relationship experts say that sit-back-and-enjoy-the-blessings mentality is common among today's singles. They follow a philosophy of contented waiting.

"More than 90 percent of eligible African-Americans aspire to marry," says Dr. Davis, professor of social work and psychology at Washington University in St. Louis. "It's not that they've abandoned the value of marriage. But they are taking longer to do it--perhaps due to expectations of what it should be or a lack of desirable prospects."