10 THINGS You Must Know Before You Say `I Do'

Ebony, August, 2000

FOR better or for worse, for richer, for poorer ... 'til death do us part. Sadly, nearly half of all married couples regretted uttering those profound words and have since divorced. One of the biggest mistakes these couples made was spending all of their energy planning for a wedding day rather than planning for a lifelong marriage. Sadder-but-wiser divorced people and relationship and financial specialists say divorce statistics can be cut in half if starry-eyed people take time to learn the 10 most important things they need to know about the love of their life before they say "I do."

1. Know what your partner owes. Rule of thumb about finance and romance: Once you're married, whatever he or she owes, you owe. "When two becomes one, there's no longer two, there's one, and oftentimes any issues with unpaid bills and [bad] credit will impact you a great deal," explains Georgia financier Charles Ross, author of Your Common Sense Guide to Personal Financial Planning. Ross says in many cases the spouses hide their bad credit until they are declined for a major purchase. He advises couples who are considering marriage to not only obtain a copy of each partner's credit report, but to use the report as an indicator of the kind of person they truly are marrying. "I believe your credit report, to a large extent, is an indication of your integrity and character," says Ross. "If your mate doesn't pay the creditors, you have to question the integrity of this person and their ability to pay bills and manage money." The author also warns that under no circumstances should couples tie the knot without a full discussion on their feelings about money, spending habits and future financial goals.

2. Know your partner's marital history. Some people follow the "don't ask, don't tell" policy when it comes to their personal life, and that can include past marriages and/or children born out of wedlock. New York clinical psychologist Vera S. Paster, author of Staying Married: A Guide for African-American Couples, says: "You don't know a person if you don't know whether or not they have children, and an extremely insecure person will hide their children. Your mate should trust you with the barest information about themselves, and that includes their children, which is their future, not their past." San Francisco husband-and-wife relationship counselors Julia and Nathan Hare, founders of the Black Think Tank, agree. Dr. Julia Hare asserts it's not a crime to do some snooping on your own, especially if you have a gut-feeling that your mate has been married before. "Ask questions and look through the public records for a divorce," she advises. "You're not spying, you are protecting your future, because if you've found out that a person has been married before and lied about it, you need to run."

Other pertinent issues to consider are if you are okay with being a stepparent and/or helping your mate make child-support payments. Dr. Julia Hare also warns that if you are with a partner who refuses to pay child support now, head for the door. "If you find out that he has children and is not paying that woman a dime, that means he's punishing his own children because the relationship didn't work out," she emphasizes. "It also means that you wouldn't get a dime either."

3. Know your partner's sexual past. Relationship counselors strongly agree that it's wise for couples to get tested tot AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases when they begin dating, and certainly prior to tying the knot. But views differ when it comes to inquiring about your mate's bedroom secrets prior to your relationship. Dr. Paster says the sexual past of your partner is just that--the past--and should not be delved into. "This is very dangerous," she says. "Nothing can be done about things that are over and done with, so there are no advantages to confessing--especially if it is done to prove how desirable one is, or to make the other partner feel insecure or jealous. If this is the motive of the [confession], I think that is a signal to look further into the relationship to see if there is any security in it."

Dr. Julia Hare says, in many respects, the past can affect the couples future. "You're not being the I.R.S. or the F.B.I.," she quips, "but you've got to have a discussion about the sexual history. You may not always find out the truth, so you need to go back to their hometown or to their class reunions because that's where things will come out."

4. Know your partner's criminal history. It's important to know if your partner has had brushes with the law to determine if there are any patterns of domestic abuse or violence that may present themselves during the marriage. "It's very important to know the nature of the criminal activity," Dr. Hare says. "If it's just a traffic ticket, that's a minor thing. But suppose the criminal behavior involves the distribution of drugs, a terrible history of violence, or even murder. These are the types of things you need to know about beforehand."