For Brothers Only - courtesy - Brief Article

Ebony, August, 2001 by Walter Leavy

IS IT STILL OK TO BE A GENTLEMAN?

WHAT'S a Brother to do when he tries to do the right thing, thinks he's doing the right thing, and then finds out with stunning realization that, in the eyes of some women, what he's doing is totally wrong? In 2001, that's what's happening to some Brothers who still believe in being chivalrous--being a gentleman--but they are finding that some women believe that physical courtesies, for instance, not only are no longer necessary but are politically incorrect.

More and more Brothers are saying they are dumb-founded and don't know what to do because some women--Black and White--have told them--in no uncertain terms--that they no longer expect the traditional courtesies that have honored womanhood for ages. In this era of the supposedly level playing field for men and women--an era when women rightfully demand equal pay and equal rights--some women don't feel there is real equality or a real sense of independence if they continue to accept what we know as "gentlemanly acts."

It's easy to understand why Brothers are confused because this goes against the very basics we have been taught since we were little boys. And those teachings stressed that women (and girls) are to be honored and respected. (For Brothers who don't know or may be confused about it, read this. There's nothing about being courteous to a woman that makes you a weak man!)

Many of us grew up in families where there was nothing greater than respect and doing the right thing. That concept was drilled into us so deeply that years later we can still hear--and react to--that one directive that parents and grandparents delivered day after day' "Mind your manners."

Those "manners" include some simple courtesies like opening doors for women and giving up your seat when a woman, the disabled or the elderly can't find one--the kind of courtesies that you would want other men to extend to your mother, your grandmother, your sister.

While this issue appears to be heating up, for some women, there is no controversy here. They say the idea of Brothers performing gentlemanly acts is laughable because, based on their experiences, they haven't seen such in so long they were under the impression that the concept had disappeared like smoke from a cigarette.

It is true that with each generational shift a little bit of tradition is swept away and new thoughts, ideas and procedures come into play. In the 21st century, we will see more and more changes to traditional behavior that has shaped, in addition to our own lives, the lives of our parents, our grandparents and their parents.

Because of such changes, we all know there are some self-indulgent men who wouldn't open a door or give up his seat for a woman under any circumstances. Or even consider doing so. But there are many Brothers who still see it as the right thing to do--a way to celebrate womanhood "the old-fashioned way."

Although things have changed dramatically in this everchanging world, it's a good bet that most Sisters still appreciate--and seek--chivalrous men. But the number of those who don't stand on tradition apparently is growing, and they see this form of tradition as archaic behavior that's totally incongruent with the true ideals of the feminist movements, which prompted a new and sustained celebration of women's independence.

The movement continues to evolve, bolstering the self-esteem of many women who unabashedly exhibit an attitude that says "I can do it myself; I can get it myself!" It has even become a part of pop culture and prompted women to celebrate their stance in songs like Destiny's Child's "Independent Women," a song that includes such lyrics as: "The house I live in, I've bought it. The car I'm driving, I've bought it. I depend on me."

That attitude is exhibited every day by more and more assertive women. For instance, a friend of mine in New York City says he couldn't believe it when he opened a door for a Sister who, acknowledging his effort, said: "I can open the door for myself. You're not obligated to do that for me."

Like so many other Brothers, he didn't feel obligated; he was only doing what he considered to be right and respectful. It's who he is; it's what he knows; and it's a part of the fabric of his being. But he could understand what she was saying, and why she was saying it. See, when it comes to the idea of women exhibiting their independence, millions of men embrace it, encourage it, enjoy it and are not threatened by it.

Still, we are faced with this predicament of whether we should stick to tradition. With women being on both sides of the fence on this issue, the problem is we don't know which side of the fence you're on until it's too late. That being the case, Brothers have to carefully navigate a dangerous minefield to avoid an explosion that could be triggered by a misstep of political incorrectness.

So, back to the original question: What's a Brother to do when faced with the perplexing dilemma of "to be or not to be"--gentlemanly, that is? Etiquette experts say you should be guided by your instincts, and if that means being "gentlemanly," then don't hesitate! If the woman to whom you've extended such courtesy should object, apologize (because that's what a gentleman would do) and confidently continue on your way--knowing that your only intention was to do the right thing.