Updating Your Dating Skills

Ebony, August, 2001 by Zondra Hughes

LET'S get right down to the nitty-gritty: If you're suddenly single land want to throw your hat back into the ring, you should know that the rules of the dating game have changed for everyone. Unfortunately, some out-of-the-loop lovers (including young swingers, middle-aged divorcees and widows) who play the new dating game with old-school rules may end up with the short end of the stick.

"The dating game has definitely changed from what it was 15 years ago, the players have really changed," says Chicagoan Art (Chatdaddy) Sims, who brings singles together to meet other singles to discuss relationship issues on a weekly basis. "Today you have a lot of independent men and women who are more concerned with their careers and making money, and they don't want a relationship. You have to really be careful if you haven't been on the scene in a while so that you won't get hurt."

There aren't any hard and fast rules that will work in all dating relationship situations, but experts say that if you follow these simple guidelines, you can update your game plan and avoid some of the latest tricks and traps.

Rule # 1

Let people know that you're available.

It's funny. When a Sister is looking for a new apartment, she tells all of her friends what she's looking for, where she wants to live, and asks them to let her know if they hear of a great place. When this same Sister is looking for a new job, she gets on the phone to those in her social circle, and she takes it a step further by attending expos, job fairs and seminars. But when this Sister is looking for a new man, she's tends to keep it to herself--and by keeping her mouth shut, she's shutting off her chances for finding the man she wants, says San Francisco-based relationship expert Julia Hare, author of How to Find and Keep a Black Man Working.

"When we have been dumped, divorced or widowed, we become too afraid to open our mouths and let people know that we are looking for a man," says Dr. Hare. "There is nothing wrong with saying, `I would like to date again; I'm not necessarily looking for a husband, but I would like a companion.' And when you let it be known that you are available, many women will say, `Hey, I know a couple of people; let's have a dinner party.'"

If you are looking for a man, go to your friends and family members and tell them to keep an eye out for a complementary companion for you. When a potential mate surfaces, you should check out his background thoroughly before meeting him. Check the public records to see if he's married. Ask those who know him well about his personality, and if he respects women. (Does he have a good relationship with his female friends? Is he fond of his mother?) Once you get to know him, keep a close eye on the company he keeps before committing yourself to an exclusive relationship; the old adage "birds of a feather flock together" is one dating rule that will never go out of style.

In many cases friends and family members can hook you up with that special someone, but what if you've found a man who you'd like to get to know a little better on your own? Should you ask him out? Relationship specialists say it's okay `for a woman to tell a man she's interested, as long as she approaches him in a subtle way.

Rule # 2

Flirting in a subtle way

Flirting is one of the most widely accepted methods of gaining someone else's attention. Some flirtatious women like to lick their lips, push out their hips, and give the man the old one-eyed wink. But today, many Sisters believe suggestive methods of flirting have gone the way of the lime green polyester suit.

Ironically, the key to effective flirting is to make it appear that you're not actually doing it.

Dr. Hare says it's a good idea to zero-in on what the two of you have in common, and make conversation based on those similarities. For instance, if you see your potential date in the library or bookstore, give him a book and tell him that you'd think he'd enjoy it, and if he has time, perhaps the two of you could discuss it together. If you've seen your man-to-be at the gym, ask him the best methods for toning your trouble areas, and if he's willing to show you how to properly use the machinery. Pouring on the charm one drop at a time when flirting is just as important as the "less is more" fashion rule (which was designed to keep women from drowning out their natural beauty by wearing far too much makeup). Sadly, the "less is more" rule is often misinterpreted when it comes to dressing for a first date-many women wear less thinking that they can get more attention from a guy.

Rule # 3

Dress appropriately

Some women swear by putting their sexiest foot forward when they are meeting a new guy. But experts warn that if the sexy lady is looking to start a meaningful friendship, she's in for a rude awakening. Consider the plight of Candace Jones (not her real name.)

Jones, a sophisticated Sister from California, still can't believe she hasn't been able to find a man who takes her seriously. She has b e e n dating for a full six months since she left her beau of five years, and now she's prepping herself for yet another date. "All men think about is sex," she grumbles to herself while getting ready to meet the "really nice guy" that her friend is hooking her up with.