`I have been having an affair with my assistant pastor' - Brief Article

Ebony, August, 2001

Q I have a serious problem. I am 26 years old with a husband and three kids. I believe in the power of God and am a Christian. I know we may sometimes fall, but I think I have hit the bottom. For the past nine months I have been having an affair with my assistant pastor, who is also great friends with my husband. I'm also friends with his wife. We have became so fond of each other it's as though we were truly meant to be together, but we know that's not it. I became pregnant by him and we decided on an abortion, but I still love him. I know this is wrong, but I love him so much--but not enough to go to hell for him. What am I to do? Name Withheld

A You are in a no-win situation that you must get out of immediately. No. 1: You are married and dating a married man, a preacher no less. No. 2: You are dating your husband s friend. No. 3: You are dating your friend's husband. Tell your assistant pastor that you cannot see him anymore, other than in his official capacity at church. Forgo the friendship, for it is obvious that neither of you can handle that. Being a Christian woman, you already know the power prayer. Pray that God will cleanse your heart of the desire for this man. Pray for strength to do the right thing and rededicate yourself to your husband and family. If you continue on this destructive path, you will surely meet with more tragedy (such as the abortion) and more heartbreak, not to mention wreaking havoc on two marriages and two families, and possibly an entire congregation.

Q Last year, I became personally involved with a U.S. Federal Police Officer. Much to my dismay, this involvement left me painfully infected with herpes. After being diagnosed, I did what I thought was the responsible thing to do: I informed him of my plight. To this very day he has neither responded nor apologized nor offered his assistance. You would think at the age of 57 a grown man would know better. It hurts even more knowing that I have to go through this all alone. This guy will not acknowledge me. It's as if I don't exist. But believe me, my pain does. Recently I was discharged after a three-month hospital stay. fight for my life every day to recover from a stroke. I know that the stress from this situation played a major factor. Young people, please beware; we are all at risk! D.F., Miami

A Your story emphasizes the fact that everyone should practice safe sex and use condoms. Sexually transmitted diseases strike regardless of age, occupation, financial standing and station in life. It is unfortunate that your former partner chose to ignore you once you made him aware of the problem. But it brings up the question of how long and how well had you known this man before you became intimate, and whether you had a real relationship or perhaps were just one of many partners. You are right: At age 57, the man who infected you should have known better. But that goes for you as well.

Q I'm a 20-year-old college student and I've been seeing this guy for about two years. At first, our relationship was great and I started to care for him and wanted to be his girlfriend. He said he cared for me, but wasn't ready. About six months into the "relationship," I made a stupid mistake and gave him my virginity. Even though he sees other females, he claims I'm the only one he has sex with. A while after we started having sex, things were up and down between us, and lately I've been mildly depressed. He doesn't call me as much as he used to and he does not take me out as much. He has changed almost completely. No matter how much I tell him how much he hurts me, he doesn't change. No matter how much I try, I can't stop talking to him. I really don't have the desire to be his girlfriend anymore, but I just want things to be the way they used to be, and I want to be respected. I'm very confused; what can I do to make things better? N.C., Woodhaven, Mich.

A Yes, Little Sister, you are very, very confused. And the best thing you can do to "make things better" for yourself is to sever ties with your "guy." Stop sleeping with him. Stop calling him. Stop believing that he's not sleeping with anyone else. Stop being confused. The No. 1 thing you are confused about is what a boyfriend is. The term implies that there is some kind of mutually agreed upon relationship, and based on what you write, you never had that. You wanted to be his girlfriend; he was not ready. He is not your boyfriend. Never was, and, regrettably, never will be. Yet, you gave up your virginity and continued to be intimate with him. It is the same mistake that so many young women (and mature women as well) make when trying to establish a new relationship. If you give in and have sex before you really get to know the man (and before he really gets to know you), you compromise yourself and your position. Why should he take time to get to know you better? Why should he call you and take you out? Why should he make a commitment when he can get what he wants from you, and from other women at the same time, without making a commitment to you? You say you don't want to be his girlfriend anymore, but you want things to be the way they were before. You are not his girlfriend, so why do you expect him to treat you like his girlfriend? If you want him and any other man to treat you with respect, then you must respect yourself. Accept the fact you made a terrible mistake and move on with our life. And don't make the same mistake again.