The Real You

Ebony, August, 2001 by Bobbi Roquemore

With a few simple steps, you can refresh your spirit and reclaim your zest for life

MAYBE it hits you when you realize that things that once made you happy just don't bring joy anymore.

Or maybe it strikes you as you repeat for the 500th time the same day-in, day-out grind of working hard, cooking dinner and sleeping.

This may not be another case of the blahs. Something deep inside may be telling you it's time to make some changes.

Experts say you should surrender to that calling and take back your life.

Now, they say, is the time to rediscover the real you, the one you lost some time between the senior prom and your first job, the one smiling in the pictures, the one who was the life of the party, and always the pride of the family.

Now is the time to place personal troubles and the pressures of life as far away as possible, and fall in love with yourself and your again. Spiritual gurus such as Bishop T.D. Jakes and Iyanla Vanzant are a sending the same message: Seize the moment.

The key to reclaiming yourself is to the Rev. John Mann, director of student Inner Visions Institute for Spiritual Development in Silver was founded by Vanzant.

"We all need support in some way, and the greatest support is being self-supportive," Mann says. "We all need that spirit that will allow us to follow through and be totally present and available for ourselves."

So, using the following tips, begin to take steps to rediscover yourself and be the best that you can be.

TAKE A LOOK AT YOURSELF AND LIFE

This is more than a quick and simple glance in the mirror. Examine every aspect of yourself, your likes and dislikes. And leave everyone else out of it.

Not satisfied with the results? It could be a sign that a rediscovery' may be needed.

"If your life is not working, you need to step back and ask yourself why," says Donna Marie Williams, a Naperville, Ill., author who wrote the books Black-Eyed Peas for the Soul and Sensual Celibacy. "While you're asking yourself why, stop blaming everybody else. The more people blame others, the less they're able to face their problems."

Step back from it all, look at what you have and be prepared to make the next move.

GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR SPIRITUAL SIDE

Celeste Spane, director of Spane Counseling, a mental health counseling center in Phoenix, says a person should set aside quiet time each day to think about who he or she really is and what he or she wants to do.

"I'm a true believer in having some daily meditation or daily statement that you make to yourself which reflects your philosophy and the things that are important for you," Spane says.

Prayer also aids the restoration of your soul. "Meditation and prayer go hand-in-hand," Rev. Mann adds. "Be willing to surrender things to the universe and give yourself--and your connection to God--the time you need to make that connection. For me, it keeps me in a peaceful place."

Men in particular, he explains, easily lose touch with their spiritual side as they face the pressure of being leaders.

"From a man's point of view, we often feel we have to fix things or make things right in life," he adds. "Beginning to acknowledge whose we are and that we do have a heavenly father would take off the pressure of this `doing-ness'; that we always have to do something about life or a situation. We should allow ourselves to just be or just have a balanced perspective about life. It's not so much about doing as it is being who we are."

In some eases, it may be necessary to do some serious soul-searching.

Williams, the author who is also a senior staff specialist at United Airlines, had reached the brink of disappointment due to failed relationships and wanted to recapture her spirit. Both fathers of her two children had already walked out on her, she says, and other relationships fared no better. Tired of the pain, Williams took the defining step and became celibate. She used the time to heal wounds and restore her soul. And, seven years later, she remains celibate.

"It has taken that long to get myself together," Williams said. "During that lime, I found what a special person I am. I didn't know that."

TAKE ACTION

Now that your head has cleared and you've begun to refresh your soul, it's time to set the wheels in motion. Develop an active plan to find and empower you.

Spane stresses the importance of actually doing something. Taking action is the key, not necessarily which action you take.

"When I talk to people about getting themselves ready for the next phase, they get stuck in the preliminary [stage]," Spane says. "If you don't know what to do, pick the top three things and do them. If it doesn't work, do the other one. But you have to take action. You have to get out of that planning stage,"

Set aside time for you--and only you--at least once per week. For those with children and multiple jobs, this may be difficult to pull off. But when it's actually done, you come out nothing less than a winner.

Williams is a prime example. She sets aside a few hours each Saturday morning to get her hair done and to get a little shopping in.