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Expert advice on love and relationships - The Ebony Advisor
Ebony, August, 2002
Q I have a problem. We have neighbors who are very close friends with my family. The wife is like a big sister to me. When I was 13 the husband started flirting with me, kissing me and down right molesting me. It stressed me to the point that my hair just fell out in bunches. I confided in an adult friend, who told my parents. They confronted him. Being the manipulative person he is, he twisted the facts and made it look like I misunderstood him. Being young, I went along it and I didn't want him to get mad at me. He started up again and it is still happening to this cited I am now 21 years old. He even tries it when wife is in house. When I don't go over there, she wonders if am avoiding her, and my parents get alarmed. I don't want then to know that he still does it, and I don't want to lose the wife s friendship. But I don't want him to manipulate the situation and make it seem that I'm flirting with him. I'm getting married this year. Should I tell my fiance, who can tell that something is bothering me, and let them handle it man to man? When the neighbor does it, I try to get away and leave, but he is very strong. Every year it gets worse and I fear for my safety and health because I get sick at just the sight of the house. What should I do?
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Michigan
A You don't have to put up with this obnoxious and illegal behavior any longer. 1. Don't visit the home again. Regardless of how you feel about the wife, why keep subjecting yourself to this molestation? 2. Tell that pervert that if he touches you again you will scream, tell his wife and report him to the police. If he continues, do not hesitate to scream, then tell your parents, his wife, your fiance--and report him to the police. So many young women, and men, are put in harm's way by well-meaning people. Sexual molestation by family members and friends is a dirty secret that too often is ignored and then covered up in our communities. You now are an adult and have the power to prevent this from happening to you. Take action now.
Q I am a 19-year-old college student with a full-time job, and I am totally confused. When I was 18, I met a man five years older than I am. I told him that I was a year older than I was, hoping it would make him like me more. I became intimate with him on our second date and found out a few weeks later that he was intimate with a few other girls. Even though I had a boyfriend I had been with for almost a year, I was heartbroken, not because I was fed a taste of my own medicine, but because I was actually in love with this guy I had experienced feelings for him in a few weeks that I had never experienced with my boyfriend in a few months. My boyfriend and I are no longer together, and I explained my feelings to the older guy. But I am afraid to tell him that I am actually one year younger than he thinks because it might push him away completely. I am almost 20 now, and I haven't spoken to this man in almost a month because he is still intimate with other girls. I truly love him and don't know what to do. Please help!
Virginia
A Young Sister, your foolishness leaves me confused about what is confusing you. Are you confused about the fact that you think the older jerk, er, guy won't continue to exploit you if he knows you are a year younger than he thinks? Or because he continues to sleep with other girls despite the fact that you have given him your heart and your body? Or perhaps you are confused because you ditched a boyfriend for a jerk. Believe me, you do not yet know what love is, and you certainly don't know heartbreak. If you continue to sleep with this guy and lose focus on your education and your job, you will know heartbreak up-close and personal. What if you get pregnant by this player? What if you get a sexually transmitted disease? And that's a good possibility considering that he sleeps around. Clear your head and start associating with young men at your college. This man does not deserve you, and you certainly deserve better.
Q I've been dating this guy for nine months. He's been divorced for years and is rearing three daughters. I have one child. He recently asked me if I want us all to move in together. I would love to, but after my last "shacking," I promised myself I wouldn't do it again unless I am married. He says he's not ready to marry, but he wants to live together. Does that make sense? His daughters are adorable, but can be very grown-mouthed with grown attitudes, though only 9, 7 and 6 years old. At times, I find it uncomfortable. I do love him and want a future together. Please help.
Texas
A Stick to your principles and follow your instincts. That initial gut feeling is usually right on track. You have not known this man long enough to know for certain that he is right for you. You didn't indicate how well you get along, but there is still a lot to learn about him. If you start living together without a firm commitment on his part, that may be as far as it will go. Tell him that you don't want to live with him or anyone else without the commitment of marriage. He may be a nice guy and you may eventually marry him, but he may also be looking for an easier way to rear his daughters. Don't let yourself be used.
COPYRIGHT 2002 Johnson Publishing Co.
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