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The Ebony advisor: expert advice on love and relationships

Ebony, August, 2004

Q I am a 42-year-old married mother of two, ages 19 and 2. After a two-year absence from my job, I have been working for the past year. My husband and I haven't been very sexual with each other. But in my dreams, I dream of having sex with women. What should I do? Try sex with a woman? Or should I try having sex with my husband?

Irvington, N.J.

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A The first thing you should ponder is why have you not been having sex with your husband. Are you feeling a lack of desire, or is he not initiating, or are you both complacent? Sometimes having a toddler in the house after a long hiatus can be exhausting and disruptive. Were you satisfied with your sex life prior to your delivery two years ago? Were you dreaming of women then as well? What is it about these fantasies that makes you want to try them? Could it be an emotional closeness you think you will get from women that you aren't getting from your husband? Have you discussed your fantasies with your husband? Having sexual relations with someone else, man or woman, is cheating and can damage your marriage. Psychotherapist Dr. Hope Ashby suggests that you talk about your fantasies with your husband. "You might be surprised," she says. "Your husband might be interested in having another woman in your bedroom with the both of you." Dr. Ashby emphasizes that it is important that you get an understanding of what is happening in your relationship. There is the possibility that as you think this through you may realize that you have been attracted to women for a longer period than you thought. You should talk to a counselor. Good luck to you!

Q I have been married for ore than a year now and have three beautiful children. We have our ups and downs, but I am happy that I have a husband. When a tragedy turned for the worst in October of last year, problems arose between my husband and me that affected our love life, our marriage and nearly separated our home. We did not talk to each other at times. Since October I have been having problems with orgasms. I have the feelings, sensations, vibes, passion and the heat that arises from it, but when the time comes for me to let go, nothing happens. I have gotten to a point that I don't want to have sex at times, but I have to keep my husband happy. What seems to be the problem on my end? What can I do about this?

South Carolina

A The tragedy that caused problems in your marriage last October obviously are still affecting your relationship. It is obvious that you and your husband have not resolved the issues. When it comes to sex, men and women are very different. Few psychological issues or problems affect a man's ability to perform sexually. Women, on the other hand, have great difficulty separating their emotions from their sex performance. Psychotherapist Dr. Hope Ashby says that, in your case, it seems that you may still harbor anger, hurt and trust issues in regard to your husband. "It is possible that unconsciously you are withholding your orgasm from him," says Dr. Ashby, who specializes in women's sexuality issues. "When you have an orgasm, you are spontaneously letting go; you are out of control of yourself. People are not likely to let go of themselves sexually if they feel at all unsafe emotionally. So withholding your orgasm may in some way be an unconscious protective barrier you have put into place." Dr. Ashby recommends that you have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband about what you are really feeling. If there are unresolved issues relating to the events of last October, you must address them. If you have trouble communicating about this issue, you should seek help from an objective third party, such as a couples therapist or marriage counselor to help you both sort through this.

The Ebony advisor: expert advice on love and relationships

Ebony, August, 2004

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