What you should know before having sex

Ebony, August, 2005 by Lynette R. Holloway

GO ahead. Admit it. Women, you've thrown caution to the wind in the heat of passion and gave in to an obstinate partner's reluctance to wear a condom.

Or men, you simply took her word that she is free of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and that she has the test results to prove it--just not with her at the moment. Besides, she's very selective about with whom she sleeps. All of her partners have been educated and, most important, were healthy-looking.

Furthermore, some of you ladies fell for your man's alternating expressions of shock and awe when you asked if he has ever engaged in homosexual sex. So you apologized. His reward? Sex without a condom as proof of your trust, love and commitment.

These scenarios are not uncommon and include behavior that could lead to your death. So if you're going to be sexually active, here are some things you should know before having sex, according to statistics from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention:

* HIV/AIDS was the No. 1 cause of death for African-American women age 25-34 in 2001.

* HIV/AIDS was among the top 3 causes of death for African-American men age 25-54 and among the top 4 causes of death for African-American women age 20-54.

* African-American women are most likely to be infected with HIV as a result of having sex with men.

* The highest rates of STDs are those associated with African-Americans.

* In 2003, African-Americans were 20 times more likely than Whites to have gonorrhea and 5.2 times more likely to have syphilis.

The startling statistics have prompted medical doctors, mental health professionals, religious leaders and other experts to redouble their efforts to educate African-American men and women about safe sex to underscore the peril of unprotected sex. They have begun to urge people to get back to the basics of courtship before leaping into bed. Developing a friendship with your mate can lead to longer, lasting, healthier relationships.

During a courtship, men and women alike will determine whether their partner is honest and forthcoming, which is of the utmost importance when it comes time to talk about STDs. If they are dishonest in their daily dealings, it is likely they will be dishonest with you. Yes, sweat the small stuff, which can represent a pandemic of lies and deceit.

"Look and listen as character traits are revealed," says Angela Kenyatta, a relationship expert in Detroit and author of the upcoming book, And Whose Life Are You Living Anyway: What Wise Women Know and Do About Purposefid Living. "For example, someone who constantly brags about how they 'got over' by lying to a co-worker doesn't rate highly on the integrity quotient."

Women should work on improving and developing self-esteem so that certain men cannot bully them into engaging in unprotected sex. "Self-esteem plays a big role in whether you are going to take on healthy sexual attitudes," says Audrey B. Chapman, a relationship expert and author of Getting Good Loving. When preparing to talk to a prospective partner about sex, Chapman urges women to use language similar to the following: "It is my practice to take care of myself and not expect you to do that for me," she advises. "It is important for you to be just as aware that you don't know me well, so it is wise for us to start off talking about our sexual health ..."

If someone reacts negatively to your past, then he or she may not be the person for you. And it is best to learn this before getting emotionally entangled with someone, experts say.

"Talking about sexual history," Chapman says, "is not about airing your dirty laundry. It's about having a sense of whether you have practiced safe sex in the past. If you focus on that, you are not giving a grocery list of the men or women you've had."

Still, a whirlwind of dates and all the talking in the world may not lead to honest answers about a person's safe-sex practices or his or her disease status. So don't be afraid or ashamed to ask to see test results, says George Smith, a Chicago-based psychologist who has counseled more than 3,000 people in the last 25 years. "You should not take a person's word about their STD status," Smith says. "People are more prone to be untruthful, or just outright lie."

STDs have hit women the hardest, in part, due to dishonesty on the part of their partners. Studies show that a significant number of African-American men who sleep with men identify themselves as heterosexual. In another study of HIV-infected persons, 34 percent of Black men who sleep with men reported having had sex with a woman, while only 6 percent of African-Americn women reported having had sex with a bisexual man, meaning she did not ask about his status, or he lied to her, among other things. The statistics underscore the importance for women to ask questions and insist on answers before the relationship becomes sexual. These answers cannot be obtained simply by looking at someone and deciding whether or not he is bisexual, or practices safe sex. Looking for signs is just about the worst thing a woman can do, says author J.L. King, who with Karen Hunter wrote the explosive book, On The Down Low: A Journey into the Lives of 'Straight' Black Men who Sleep With Men, and the recently released Coming up from the Down Low: A Journey to Acceptance, Healing and Honest Love, written with Courtney Carreras.