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The Ebony advisor: expert advice on love and relationships
Ebony, August, 2005
Q I recently found out that my husband was cheating on me. We've been married for four years and have a son. I love my husband dearly and would do anything for him. I'm faithful, trustworthy and honest. But now, I'm at a crossroads after learning that another man is interested in me. He's an older married man and I've been leaning on his shoulders throughout this event. And I must say I'm interested. I'm very confused. What should I do?
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A Whenever infidelity enters a relationship, the foundation is shaken to its core, says Bronwen Millet, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in D.C. It forces couples to re-examine their relationship and explore whether they're still in love. During these times, tensions run high and people often seek comfort and support in others. "It is interesting that you are seeking comfort in a married man--someone who is unavailable," says Dr. Millet. "My thought is either you want the attention with no real possibility of commitment. Or you want to recreate the drama that your husband's infidelity has caused and hurt him." But do not misconstrue your interest in a married man as "the real thing." Real love takes time and commitment. You said that you love your husband dearly, but do you love him enough to forgive him? If so, talk to him about your pain and hurt feelings and work together to repair the relationship.
Q I am a 38-year-old divorcee who, after three months of being in a relationship, believed that my partner and I were near marriage. I told him that I was infected with HPV (genital warts), but only after we had become sexually involved. I had never had any signs or symptoms and was told by my doctor that it could not be contracted orally. Still, he believes that he could be infected or may become infected if he remains with me. We have not been intimate since. In retrospect, I believe I should have told him. Can we get past this?
A Regardless of whether you were thinking of marrying this person, a full disclosure of your sexual history and medical condition should have been made before you had sex. You cannot cover up something that has the potential to harm your partner, even if you think the disease is "non-transmittable." He deserves the opportunity to make a decision about whether or not he wants to put himself at risk. If you truly love him, you will not only give him your body, you will give him the truth. That trust has been violated, so you will have to give him time to decide what is best for him and his health.
Q About a year ago, I ran into a girl I knew from my church when I was an adolescent. We are 54 years old today. We started going places together, and she is really sincere and kind. She's also very attractive; however, for some reason I am not attracted to her the way I am attracted to other women. She wants a relationship with me and I just want a friendship. How can I continue be kind and respectful to her but at the same time satisfy my desires for other women?
A To put it in a nutshell, it sounds like "you're just not into her," says Jeff Gardere, Ph.D., but she certainly is into you. Consequently, says Dr. Gardere, there is no way you can avoid hurting her feelings by simply wanting to just be her friend. It is best to tell the truth.
The EBONY Advisor is a question-and-answer column designed to help our readers with their problems. Answers to all questions are thoroughly researched and, if necessary, checked with competent psychiatrists, psychologists, medical doctors, sociologists and other experts in family counseling. If you have questions, go to Talk To Ebony at www.ebony.com, or send them to The EBONY Advisor, EBONY Magazine, 820 South Michigan Avenue, Chicago, IL 60605. Only the cities or states of those submitting questions will be published. Because of the large volume of mail we receive, we cannot send personal replies.
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