Expert Advice on Love and Relationships - Questions and Answers - Brief Article

Ebony, Sept, 2000

`How can I find a man who enjoys being with me and whom I can enjoy?'

Q I am 20 and really frustrated with my life because every guy I am interested in or who shows interest in me seems to back away. I've looked at every area of my life to see if it is something that I am doing wrong. I'm just not sure. I have even checked to see if my standards are too high. All I want is a friend I can enjoy being around, and for that person to enjoy being with me. P.J., Laurel, Md.

A The EBONY Advisor receives numerous letters similar to yours, from women who are frustrated because they cannot connect with a special man. Without knowing more about you and the type of man you desire, it is impossible to assess your situation and advise you personally. Based on feedback from numerous relationship experts, here are some guidelines concerning finding Mr. Right. 1. Take responsibility for your own life and don't expect a man to make you happy. 2. Make sure you are the best person you can be. Many women have great expectations for the man they want, yet don't have much to offer. 3. Always look your best. 4. Don't tell all your business when you meet a man. 5. Don't jump into bed with a new man without taking time to get to know him. That may take weeks and even months. Many men are put off by women they consider easy. And once you really get to know the object of your attention, you may discover he's not really what you want. It is much better to find that out before you sleep with him. 6. Don't be too pushy. 7. Don't be a pushover. 8. Be prepared to take advantage of opportunities, but adjust your attitude to just wanting to have fun and enjoy life. 9. Love yourself. If you love yourself and respect yourself, that will be evident to those around you and will draw good people to you. 10. Don't act desperate. Nothing drives a good man away as fast as a desperate woman.

Q My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years, and I feel it's time the relationship should turn to a more serious side, such as considering marriage. I've talked to him time and again and explained that these are my feelings, but he never seems to take it seriously. He is dependent on his parents and doesn't seem to want to even try not to be in order to have a life with me. His parents and physical training are the center of his world, which puts me on the back burner. There is a nice man at my workplace who has taken an interest in me. How should I handle it all? Columbus, Ohio

A Read the bold writing on the computer screen: Your boyfriend is not ready to settle down and get married. That would involve maturity, financial independence (such as getting a job), separating from his parents and focusing on something a bit weightier than working out. You cannot make him love you and want to marry you. The big question is: Why would you even want to marry this loser? Exercise good judgment. Date others.

Q I need a quick remedy. I am married and enjoy intimacy with my husband. The foreplay technique I love and that always gets me in the mood is passion marks (hickeys) on my neck. It is the biting and sucking that turns me on. But these marks are not viewed as professional when you go to work, even if you are married. How do you get rid of hickeys when it is too hot to wear turtlenecks or scarves and you don't want to use makeup because it messes up your clothing? I know you will suggest receiving the hickeys on less public parts of the body, but it is something about the neck that does not feel like any other area. Does anyone have a quick remedy that works so your co-workers and your boss will not look at you disrespectfully? Washington, D.C.

A Chicago dermatologist R. Martin Earles, M.D., says he knows of no quick remedy for hickeys. Hickeys are bruises and bruises heal with time. However, he suggests that you try a vitamin K cream. If hickeys are what turn you on (please know that you are envied by many Sisters), delight in the fact that you have a husband who can turn you on. And stock up on scarves.

Q I am 24 and have been with my boyfriend for more than a year. I recently told him we were going to have a baby, and he seemed excited. But he stopped calling and coming to see me as much as he did before. I also have a friend who tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. He talks about living together as well. I have strong feelings for both, but there are rumors that my boyfriend is cheating on me, even though he denied it and promises we'll always be together and have a family. My other friend says he wants to be with me and have a family also. I don't want to hurt either one. Kannapolis, N.C.

A Now let's get this straight. You are cheating on your boyfriend, the father of your baby, and you can't decide whether to wait for him to start treating you right or to commit to that "other" man because you hear the boyfriend is cheating on you. Girlfriend, you need to take a time out and get yourself together. What are your priorities? Take control of your young life and use common sense. And whichever man you choose, use birth control.