How To Propose To Your Man

Ebony, Sept, 2000 by Zondra Hughes

MORE AND MORE SISTERS ARE POPPING THE QUESTION

"Will you marry me?"

For eons, men had complete control over whether and when to say the four words that so many women long to hear. But not anymore. Today many Sisters are challenging the status quo by getting down on their knees and asking Mr. Right for his hand in marriage. This has quietly become as much a tradition for Black women as Sadie Hawkins' Day--the one day during leap year when women are encouraged to ask their men to marry them. And although the increasingly widespread practice of women-led proposals may raise a few eyebrows, more and more women are getting exactly what they want--a new husband or a clearer picture of where their relationship is (or is not) headed.

So how does a Black woman propose to her man? There are no hard-and-fast answers about how and when to propose, but relationship experts and everyday couples say there is a right and a wrong way to "pop the question." Here is a list of do's and don'ts compiled by our experts. If you are proposing for all the right reasons, and you feel that your man is ready to take your relationship to the next level, take a deep breath and go for it, girl. And may the force of love be with you.

UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE DOING

Once you've decided to propose to your man, you must realize that the stakes are high and that there's no time machine that can erase awkward moments and give you a second chance. This is, after all, a tradition-bound society, and women who initiate the marriage proposal are posing a direct assault on male-dominated Western values. Yet, under the right circumstances, such an assault can yield positive results, namely a good husband, according to Washington, D.C., psychologist Carole Stovall.

Dr. Stovall says although she would never propose to a man, there are circumstances under which a proposal is quite acceptable and can be beneficial to the relationship. "A natural and healthy situation where I can see a woman proposing is when the couple is really in-tune with each other and they've had a wonderful time together," Dr. Stovall says. "And then she turns to him and says, `You know, I really love being with you and I want you to share my love, so let's get married.'"

KNOW YOURSELF

"Honesty is the most important aspect of any relationship and that honesty starts with self," says Dr. Lawrence James, president of the Association of Black Psychologists, Chicago chapter. "You need to really know yourself and you need to be able to ask yourself those difficult questions, such as: `Why do I want to marry this person?' And, `How do I perceive this relationship?' Don't be afraid of the answers that you receive from being honest with yourself. And let that honesty direct your behavior."

Dr. Stovall says that a woman should take inventory of herself and her reasons for wanting to be married. "Before a woman proposes, she must be at a place where she is independent, self-supporting and knows where she is emotionally," she says. "The better you know yourself, the better you are able to choose someone who is a complement to you. It's not about finding a husband to take care of you; it's about creating a life that's more complete."

DO IT HONESTLY

The rules of proposal etiquette are quite clear: Don't propose to keep him around. Don't propose to throw his ego a curve. Don't propose because you want a ring. Don't propose because you want to be labeled someone's fiancee. Don't propose just to take him "off the market." Don't propose because you're feeling insecure.

"The most important element of a proper proposal is sincerity," says Dr. James. "You should be getting married for all the right reasons. There should be a connection between you and the other individual and a willingness to spend the rest of your lives together."

KNOW YOUR MAN

No matter how good the relationship, the reality remains that some men believe proposing is a male prerogative and are incensed at the idea of a woman taking that special moment from them, says Chicagoan Michael Sullivan. Although Sullivan spent months planning the perfect marriage proposal for his wife, Vicki, he admits that if she had "popped the question," he probably would have said no. "I probably wouldn't like that too much, simply because tradition states that proposing is a man's responsibility, and I'm old-fashioned."

On the opposite end of the spectrum is Glenn Hare, marketing and communications director for the School of the Arts at Clemson University, who was pleasantly surprised when his fiancee, Clemson University English professor Michelle H. Martin, proposed. He said yes.

"She gets on one knee and she says, `I'm asking you to marry me,'" Hare recalls. "And tears are coming out of her eyes, and I immediately start to cry. I'm elated and super-hyper and I'm screaming: `You didn't tell me you were going to do this! I'm not prepared--I don't have a ring for you!'" Hare says although the proposal caught him off guard, he always understood that when she was ready to be married, she would let him know.