Keeping Teenagers On The Right Track

Ebony, Sept, 2001 by Bobbi Roquemore

YVONNE Sims of Cleveland Heights, Ohio, who has spent over two decades as a teacher and guidance counselor, has helped many students --including her former fifth-grade pupil, actress Halle Berry--go on to lead successful lives. She's also witnessed the twists and turns of the teenage experience.

The lessons of those experiences came in handy when it was time for Sims' older daughter, Kimili, to move into the teenage years.

"I pride myself in the relationship I have with my daughters," Sims says. "For as much as I've invested in the kids in school, which is a lot, I wanted to make sure I invested as much with my own children. Being there for them, doing things with them, listening to them, spending quality time with them, all of the things I would see, from an educator's perspective, lacking in the students I had to deal with. I wanted to make sure my children weren't on the minus side."

As expected, Yvonne Sims and her husband, Rufus Sims, an attorney, had their share of ups and downs, and probably lost a hair or two. But they were successful in leading Kimili into her adult life. Kimili, 21, is now a senior at Bowling Green State University.

The Sims family will use the same recipe of a cupful of love, a spoonful of discipline and a dash of space to steer their younger child, 15-year-old Khalida, down the same path. And there's one more ingredient that is sure to put the teenager over the top--parental participation.

Staying involved, experts say, is crucial for parents to form a healthy relationship with teenagers and provide a bridge to a successful adulthood. Studies are proving that parents--not peers--are the No. 1 source of strength and direction for teenagers.

"Parents, don't underestimate how important you are to your child," says Dr. Jerome Taylor, a psychologist and executive director of the Center for Family Excellence, based in Pittsburgh. "So often we picture adolescence as being independent of parents. But parents, don't be fooled. We have to be convinced that material blessings are not the most essential blessings they need to make it through adolescence. They need the engaging acceptance and warmth of parents."

Just ask Kimili, who credits her parents' support during her teenage years for her success today.

"They definitely have determined my success, and seeing how hard my parents work lets me know that's what I am supposed to be doing," says Kimili, who wants to follow her mother into education. "They're like my light in the darkness."

Despite the obvious incentives of active involvement with teens, some parents, unfortunately, still don't get it. One of the biggest obstacles parents face in being involved is their attitude, Taylor says. Often, Black professional parents supply their families a plush house and school system in the suburbs, then find themselves puzzled when the teen lacks motivation. Security alone won't do; parents still have to take the initiative and be active participants in their children's lives.

"The first part of it is acknowledgement that they must be involved. It's not always there," Taylor explains. Sometimes, parents feel that if they can provide the material possessions that they never had, then that will be sufficient to see their child through the turmoil. But parents have to equip themselves with the disposition to get involved."

Yvonne and Rufus Sims' activities with their children revolve around Glenville New Life Community Church on Cleveland's East Side, the family's place of worship. They have worked with youth groups and pitch in by driving to activities whenever they can, among other things.

The Sims family diligently tries to remain a part of one another's lives in spite of the demanding schedules that both working parents have to endure. Even if the family simply watches TV together or Khalida, the younger daughter, pampers her hardworking father by oiling his scalp and giving him a back massage, they make every minute count.

"We're really a laid-back family," Yvonne Sims says. "We view TV together and we act silly together. A majority of the time, we don't need a lot of company. We can act a fool by ourselves! The girls get a kick out of watching their dad and [me] hand dance, and then they'll try. On the other hand, we try to keep up line-dancing with them."

Fun and games are nice, of course, but quality time should also be serious time. Use your moments with teenagers to set the ground rules of what to do and what not to do, Taylor says.

"Teenagers need firmness in discipline," Taylor adds. "Parents need to think about not only what they require, but also why they require it. Because they face greater temptations, by not providing reasons, we make them vulnerable to those temptations by simply asserting rules without providing some kind of explanation for those rules."

The same advice can be applied when teaching values to teens. Rufus Sims was at odds with Kimili, his older daughter, over one boyfriend, and it caused a stir in the family. "Rufus got a little verbal on the young man about how he carried himself, especially with work," Yvonne Sims says. "He said, `You've got to be working, in school or doing something if you want to spend time in this house. You have to have some purpose in life.' And this young guy didn't have that."