Expert advice on love and relationships - The Ebony Advisor

Ebony, Sept, 2002

Q My husband and I lived together for seven years before we were married in 2001. I am 30 years old and he is 31. Before we married, at times he would go out with his buddies, and I had no problem with that. The problem came when he would not come home by 2 a.m. On three occasions he did not come home for 2 to 3 days. I was a basket case. I could not eat, sleep or attend work with a sane mind. Before we married, he slowed down, and I began to feel less angry and more comfortable with our relationship. I've never had an encounter with another woman or had that feeling a woman gets when there is an another woman. I married this man because I know he loves me; he pays his share of the bills, he is very giving, and he loves our daughters. However, I can't seem to let go of what has happened in the past. If he goes out with his buddies for an hour or so, I worry tremendously about the possibility that he might not come in. I have discussed my fears with him, and he apologizes for what he did in the past and tries to help me to feel better. But nothing seems to work. I do not want to drown in my fears by trying to keep him from his friends. How do I get over these fears?

Ohio

A It is understandable that you have insecurities about your husband's staying out all night because he did that on several occasions before you were married. But if he is not exhibiting any remnants of that behavior now, you must forgive him, learn to trust him and give him room to breathe and grow. Sometimes the mind gets fixated on a particular incident or behavior, and this fixation can lead to obsession and needless worry. If you have no obvious reason to doubt your husband's fidelity, seek counseling to overcome your fears. If they aren't dealt with now, your worries may become obsessive and have a devastating effect on your marriage. Get help now!

Q I am a 25-year-old mother and wife of three years. After several episodes of my husband being financially reckless by running up phone and cable bills, I have decided I need some time to myself to evaluate what I want out of life and my relationship. Since we are married and have a child, I do not want to make any drastic decisions. My husband doesn't want to leave and insists that our time apart will only hurt the situation. I am in a better position to take care of our son and me if I have to, and I'm concerned that my husband cannot. Am I being silly for worrying about my husband's welfare when so often he has shown that he does not care about our family's welfare or mine?

Virginia Beach, Va.

A No, you are not silly for caring about your husband's welfare despite his reckless behavior. However, you must get the situation under control or your marriage and your finances will end in ruins. Try sitting down and having a heart-to-heart discussion with your husband--one more time. Go over your financial situation; make a list of how much money comes in and what bills must be paid. Explain to him that if you both do not stick to a budget, the family will not be able to pay for necessities such as housing and groceries. Together, try to set family financial goals. Also try to get him to attend counseling with you. There are family therapists at community health centers and social service agencies, and you certainly can discuss your issues with your pastor. If your husband continues to behave recklessly, then you must make a decision as to how to proceed with your life, with or without him. You have a son whose educational and financial future must be considered.

Q I really love this young lady, and we have been in a serious relationship for about 10 years. But I've also had the baby-mama drama because I find myself slipping back to my child's mom. The young lady I was seeing had enough of it and asked me to marry her before she graduated from college. Being a player, I thought I could buy her some jewelry for graduation instead of proposing to her. A month later she started seeing someone else, so we went our separate ways, still staying in touch with each other occasionally. Then one day she told me that she was pregnant and for me to accept it. I couldn't do it, so she went on to have a baby by this dude. Do you think I can love her the same way I did the first time or should I just continue to be a good friend and move on? What should I do?

Baltimore, Md.

A Just do what you have been doing for 10 years, and judging from what you write, that isn't much of anything. This woman, for some unknown reason, has given you repeated opportunities to do the right thing. But "being the player" you are, you continued to mistreat her and neglect to your responsibility to your child. Now that she's found another love, you want her back. Too late! What makes you think she wants you to "love her the same way I did the first time" or to have anything to do with you? If her child is also your child, then do what any father should do and take care of your child financially and spiritually. Otherwise, leave the woman alone. Let her enjoy the love and happiness she has found elsewhere. You blew it. Now accept the consequences of your "player" actions.