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The heartbreak of separation anxiety: how to deal with your child's distress
Ebony, Sept, 2005 by Shirley Henderson
WITH the beginning of a new school year, some parents will, for the first time, have to face a different kind of major challenge--dealing with their child's separation anxiety. For many children, the first days of school can be among the most traumatic days because, for many, this will be the first time mom and dad will have to leave them behind.
According to experts, parents can usually expect some reluctance from younger children under the age of 6. They often go through early-onset separation anxiety, a normal part of childhood development. Child psychology experts say that true separation anxiety in children usually manifests itself through physical problems, bad behavior or difficulty sleeping. It is usually found in older children and continues for an extended time period.
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Baptism by fire is how Carla and Anthony Williamson describe their encounter with separation anxiety with their son Bryce, now 5, after they made the decision to enroll him into an early-learning center. During Bryce's first year, his mother, Carla, was a stay-at-home mom who quit her job as a human resources manager to be at home with her infant son.
When Bryce was 1 1/2, Carla reentered the job market part-time. "For the first 6 months at the day care, Bryce was fine," recalls Carla. "He enjoyed the coloring and finger painting and being with other children. Then, when he turned 2, we couldn't believe the change in his behavior."
All of a sudden Bryce began to refuse to go into his classroom. He would stand outside of the day care and cry, holding onto his father, who usually dropped him off. The teachers at day care were patient and took extra steps to coax him into the classroom. "My husband and I wondered if he was being mistreated or bullied," recalls Carla. "But after a few weeks, he eased back into his routine at the school and was okay."
What the Williamsons experienced with their toddler is an example of early-onset separation anxiety, according to child psychology experts. Paula A. Moore, a professor at Prairie View A&M University who specializes in child, adolescent and family therapy, stresses that point. "Younger children will experience some anxiety," she says. "The real issue is at ages 6 or 7, and if the behavior continues for more than four weeks."
One such case of separation anxiety in an older child involves 9-year-old Terry, who, after his grandfather died in his sleep, would not go to sleep without his mother by his side. On school days Terry would get terrible stomachaches or fall asleep in class because he would wake up throughout the night to see if his mother was all right. His refusal to be away from his mother left her exhausted while she tried to deal with the loss of her father. "Often, children reflect their parents' anxiety," says Moore. "If a parent is anxious or depressed, the child will reflect that."
Children sometimes will develop a fear that some danger will come to their parent or primary caregiver. The reason may be illogical, or in the case of Terry, the result of having to deal with death at an early age. Experts say that stresses in the home can also contribute to a child's reluctance to separate from one or both parents.
The following are some suggestions for dealing with your child's separation anxiety:
* Prepare your child in advance to be dropped off at school, day care or with the baby-sitter. Don't wait until the last minute. Instead, talk with the child the night before while you are helping with homework or assisting with a new computer program.
* In order to help the child tolerate the situation, try to create a positive spin whenever you have to leave your child behind. Remind your child that mom and dad are going away, but that they will always come back.
* It is not uncommon for people to dismiss anxiety separation as a child being "spoiled rotten" or in need of discipline. Talk with your child's doctor if you need more information about why a child is acting out or experiencing separation anxiety.
* Professor Moore suggests that you use controlled time increments in order to better make the adjustment. Begin, if possible, by leaving the child with a baby-sitter or other caregiver for a few hours. Then work up to half a day and longer.
* Use storytelling for younger kids as a way of easing their anxiety about having to be away from their mother and father. Tell them stories about children who have to be away from parents, but are fine in the end. Professor Moore even suggests retelling children African proverbs or Bible stories that include or relate to children.
* When dealing with children who have temper tantrums when they are forced to separate from their parents, be careful not to fall for this smoke screen. The child is anxious and is trying to tell you something that they cannot verbalize. Parents who deal only with the temper tantrum are missing the big picture, says Moore. "And it's not okay to say, 'It's okay to not go to school.' Assist your child by helping [him or her] to overcome the challenges."
