Mary J. Blige's tearful plea: I've got to be me' - rhythm and blues singer on her life

Ebony, Oct, 2003 by Kevin Chappell

IT became the anthem for an entire generation of Sisters in pain, an extremely personal song that took Mary J. Blige only hours to pen, but struck an emotional cord so deep, so universal, that a decade later, it continues to define--and haunt--her.

Even today, as the 32-year-old singer sits for a one-on-one interview in New York City, the mere thought of returning to those bleak days of self-hate and selfdestruction brought to light in her groundbreaking 1994 My Life album prompts a flow of emotions as telling as it is raw.

Make no mistake. Mary has moved on from the 23vear-old who beared witness to the other side of happiness in My Life's soul-stirring title track, which flipped the script on the Roy Ayers' classic "Everybody Loves the Sunshine" in a testimony, she says, "saved me and saved a lot of people."

Through her music, her God and her God-fearing man whom she plans to marry in the coming months, Blige has been able to take control of her drama-filled existence, finding that ray of hope Ayers extolled, and that she once only dreamt of taking comfort in. She has sobered up, found religion and a love of self that was nonexistent during her string of failed relationships and near fatal overdoses. Blige and her music are now free from the anger and bitterness cultivated in the Schlobohm projects in Yonkers, N.Y., a place she came of age living life, she once said, "like crabs in a barrel."

However, a mere 10 minutes into a scheduled hour-long interview, it becomes obvious that the joy Blige found once she says she "learned how to leave the ghetto at home" is not the final act in her life's story. In fact, when the last chapter is written, it may be this sublime state of being that ends up presenting her with the most daunting ordeals and challenges.

Sure, Mary is the happiest she's ever been. But--like the noxious way she used to guzzle endless bottles of gin on a daily basis, even after she was diagnosed with a bleeding ulcer--is Blige now bingeing on bliss? Having become one of the strongest voices in R&B by exploiting the power of unrelenting ire and unresolved issues, can the kinder, gentler Mary now identify with her fans, many of whom have yet to see brighter days? Can she convince them that the emotion of joy is just as strong as that of pain-and do it before they pull her-Schlobohm-style--back down to their doomsday existence?

Blige says she understands that it would have been easier for her to "stay on the My Life subject matter, and continue to be miserable and mad." And she admits that, "Maybe I'm moving too fast for some people," adding:" If I am moving too fast, it's because the pain was too great. It was either move on or die, simple as that. I got to keep on moving each and every time it gets harder. I have to keep going. If I lose people along the way, that's the chance I have to take."

But it's that chance, and the utter idea that people actually prefer a scorned Mary to a proud one, and the whole notion of her life being only as good as it is bad that, in mid-sentence, and without warning, becomes too disconcerting for her to fathom. "You know, I really don't care about those people who say that I'm too happy, because it's obvious that they don't care about me," she says, as she doubles over and curls into a weeping ball of confusion, breaking down as tears stream along her cheeks and she clutches her face between her hands. "I suffered for so long. I suffered so long... I've been there. I damn near died with everybody. I need to be happy. It's not a choice. I have to be... I've got to be happy right now. I need this for me. I've given everything. They don't understand. It hurts so badly because people don't understand. They think this is entertainment. This Mary J. Blige thing is not entertainment. This is my life and I put it out there on the line for everybody, and all they can say now is 'she's too happy.' They should want me to be happy. If they only knew how close I've been to suicide... So I don't care about them. They don't have to buy one of my records. Don't. Somebody else in this world wants to be happy. If it's 10 people, then fine."

It took minutes for her to regain her composure and reconfirm her determination not only to be happy, but also to be herself and make good music at the same time. She says R&B doesn't have to be gloomy and sad, and she believes her newly released CD, love & life, captures that joy in her heart. "It consists of a lot of things I have in my life right now, which is love and confidence and strength. Understanding that I am a spirit, and that it has nothing to do with religion but knowing exactly who I am," she says. "I just feel that love for myself, and knowing who I am has brought this album, love & life, to the forefront, and this album represents beautiful things... For me to even be able to express myself to that level of understanding, I'm very proud of love & life. Vocally, I'm proud of it. Lyrically, I'm proud of it. Concept-wise, I'm proud of it."