5 biggest mistakes sisters make on dates

Ebony, Oct, 2003

YOU'VE planned it all. The dinner. The music. A romantic evening by candlelight. You chose the perfect black dress to match your sexy black heels and the most enticing fragrance to delight your handsome suitor. You want to get your date's attention, pique his interest, and show "Mr.-Could-Be-Right" just how perfect a woman you really are. But how do you do it?

According to relationship experts, it's not only what you do, but also what you don't do that makes the difference between getting a phone call the next day or never hearing from the guy again. On your next date, avoid the following pitfalls that could ruin your chance for romance:

1. Baggage From Past Relationships

Dr. Grace Cornish, relationship expert and author of You Deserve Healthy Love, Sis, says, "A lot of Sisters bring baggage from old relationships into the new relationships, expecting the same actions from the new guy. She will watch his every move, waiting for something to go wrong, and that will drive a new prospect away."

Kristopher D. Levy, 31-year-old single sales representative from Chicago, agrees. "The fastest way to make me run is to constantly bring up the difficulties in your life caused by others. No man wants to hear a woman complain about what a dog the last guy was," says the bachelor who has experienced his share of Sisters with baggage. "During a date, a woman told me that I reminded her of a handsome boyfriend. Suddenly, she remembered all of the heartache he caused and the evening's mood changed for the worse. Chances are, if a woman has a lot of drama in her life, she will bring it into yours."

2. Premature Expectations

After a few good dates, some Sisters may begin to get serious, but forcing a relationship that hasn't yet developed may prove detrimental. Give the man time to catch up with you emotionally and be aware that he may never feel the way you feel. "If a woman starts putting too many demands on you after you've been out just a few times, that's a turnoff," says Omar Burton, a 31-year-old insurance analyst from Jersey City. "Chances are, if a guy was dating before he met you, he probably didn't stop because of you, no matter how much you'd like to think so.

"Women assume that because they've fallen for you, that you feel the same way," says Burton. "They fail to realize that someone generally falls first. Women have to allow the man to reach that point on his own, without being forced to make a decision prematurely."

Levy, a Midwest bachelor who prefers a drama-free lifestyle, says that Sisters make a big mistake by attempting to lay down the law too soon. "Some Sisters are so eager to bring up what they will and won't stand for when dating a man." But experts remind women that it's a first date. "Lighten up!"

3. Focusing On The Man's Money

William July II, author of The Hidden Lover, says that the biggest issue Brothers have is being used or "skeezed," referring to women who accept dates simply to go out for an evening without paying. "Dinner and a movie can be an expensive proposition both financially and emotionally," he says. "Today's dating scene requires equality on both sides of the table. When the check comes, both hands should be reaching for it. Go Dutch and split the check. That way, the woman doesn't have to feel that the guy is trying to get her to owe him, and the guy doesn't feel as though she is using him."

Levy, a successful Chicago businessman hates for a woman to focus on his finances. "I had a woman ask me how much money I make and if my credit is good. But nobody wants to feel like he has to show up on a first date with check stubs, bank statements and credit reports in hand."

4. Pretending To Be Someone You're Not

No matter who you are trying to be, Brothers say that the real you is bound to come out. "If you hate cooking, don't make a gourmet meal for dates two, three, four and five," says Levy. "If you hate sports, don't pretend you love sports by cuddling under my arm every Sunday morning during football season. You can only play superwoman for so long."

Dr. Cornish says that Sisters who have been hurt or suffer from low self-esteem may attempt to conceal their true identity in order to protect themselves. "Sisters who have been hurt so much have a shell over their heart and a guy cannot get through," she says, "But that same shell also keeps their true self from coming out."

When a woman has an inability to express her true identity, she loses her perspective on who she is and how to act in a relationship, says William July II. "But if you don't know your own goals, you can't effectively match yourself with a mate."

5. Sex Too Soon

Introducing intimacy into the relationship too quickly may be the quickest route to the demise of healthy and long-term relationship. "It may be cliche, but if a woman sleeps with a man too quickly, he won't respect her," says Dr. Cornish. "And that's directly from the mouths of the many men I've talked to, researched and counseled. So, if he's worth it, let him wait."

July II agrees. "When sex is introduced into a dating relationship, it blows the dynamics off the scale. It is so powerful that it clouds all the issues. At that point, the sex becomes the focus, or a necessary ingredient, and it easily overshadows the process of getting to know each other. The couple will not get to know each other well enough to build a relationship, and what they do have may be short-lived," adds the author of the soon-to-be released, Confessions of an Ex-Bachelor." The biggest mistake a Sister could make is to allow a great date, or a series of great dates, to make her starry-eyed and swoon to the point that she goes to bed with the Brother too early."