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Financial infidelity: how money secrets can devastate your marriage
Ebony, Oct, 2006 by Monica Jones
RUNNING to the mailbox to get the credit card statement for the credit card your spouse doesn't even know you have? Hoarding large amounts of cash and stashing it with your best buddy so that your honey can't get all of your money? Making large purchases without consulting with your life partner? Or stashing new clothes and shoes in the trunk of your car so that your beau doesn't get upset? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be a financial adulterer.
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With a little more than 40 percent of marriages ending in divorce, one of the main reasons couples don't live happily ever after is money problems. Forty-three percent of first marriages end in separation or divorce within 15 years, according to a report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. While most married couples make a strong effort to avoid sharing the sheets with any one other than their spouse, experts say many couples are living an adulterous lie when it comes to financial matters. "Financial infidelity is when two people who are in a relationship are not on the same financial page," says Cheryl Broussard, registered investment advisor and co-author of What's Money Got to Do With It? The Ultimate Guide on How to Make Love and Money Work in Your Relationship.
There are a number of things that cause financial infidelity in relationships, but the biggest reason that some individuals resort to financial cheating is the lack of communication. Experts say most people are afraid to talk about money, both before they say "I do" and after experiencing marital bliss. "Money and finances are such an emotional issue," says Jeffrey Gardere, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New York and author of Love Prescription: Ending the War Between Black Men and Women. "Much of our worth and self-esteem is tied to how much or how little money we make," he says.
In addition to the emotions associated with finances, when most individuals enter into a relationship they usually have different "money styles." The old saying that "opposites attract" is often true when it comes to people's values and attitudes regarding money. It is not uncommon for the big spender to end up with the penny-pincher. "Everyone is raised very differently, so we all have our own personal money history, and we are bringing this to the relationship," says Broussard. For example, some people may have learned to spend money to relieve stress or anxiety or others may spend because of anger, frustration or lack of fulfillment in the relationship, explains Dr. Gardere.
Couples who keep secrets about money may also be dealing with unresolved power and control issues, particularly if one spouse makes more than the other, according to some experts. "We are a capitalistic society and the rules of the game are whoever has the most money has the power and control, so in a relationship it oftentimes works the same way," Broussard says.
While some may see nothing wrong with keeping money secrets, experts say, if the problem is not nipped in the bud, it can cause a host of problems in the relationship. Much like infidelity, financial cheating can erode the trust in a relationship and lead to added tension.
Yet, even if you find that your relationship may be in trouble because of big or little money secrets, it doesn't necessarily mean the end of your relationship. But if professional help is not sought, it can ultimately destroy the union. "The major thing that married couples can do to avoid financial cheating is to communicate on a daily basis about their financial status," says Dr. Gardere.
If you have a difficult time talking about money with your spouse, seek guidance from a financial counselor. While many couples receive pre-marital counseling before they exchange vows, experts say that couples should also seek financial counseling. But if you didn't seek financial advice before marriage you can still seek the advice of a financial counselor after marriage. A third party can often work as a mediator to help identify your money styles and help you come up with a plan to get on the same financial page. Your financial counselor can help you and your spouse set-up financial goals, whether it's to save money for a house, make a real estate investment or plan for an early retirement.
Experts also suggest that it's healthy for married couples to have separate checking and savings accounts, but they should also have a joint checking and savings account for the household. The key is that both parties know about all the accounts so that there are no secret accounts. "You don't want to get into a relationship in which all of the money goes into one pot because then people begin to feel like they are losing control over their life and their freedom," says Broussard.
The key is to setup a certain amount that will be placed in the joint accounts to cover bills and meet the household saving goals. The money in the separate accounts can be used as discretionary funds. You can set up a certain limit for what should be spent, and when there are larger purchases, or you feel you may go over the limit you and your spouse agreed upon, then, as a couple, discuss the financial transaction before it's actually made. "I don't believe that you have to prove every single purchase; however, if there is a very large purchase or one that significantly impacts the family budget, or there is a pattern of spending without the knowledge of the other partner, then this can become a real relationship problem," says Dr. Gardere.
