INFIDELITY II Why Women Cheat

Ebony, Dec, 1998 by Lynn Norment

They do it for love. They do it for sex. They do it to feel beautiful and boost their self-esteem. No, we're not talking about why women get married, but why women cheat on the men they have married.

Female infidelity is not a new phenomenon, but it is a fact of life that many people, including women, don't want to acknowledge. While the cheating man has long been the subject of boasts, jokes, novels and movies, the unfaithful woman is now getting more attention and scrutiny. And justifiably so. Whereas decades ago, the unfaithful wife was a rarity, an abnormality, today's missus is more likely to cheat than her predecessors.

The first reliable estimate concerning infidelity was made in 1953 by renowned sex researcher Alfred Kinsey, who in his landmark study found that 50 percent of husbands and 26 percent of wives surveyed had cheated by age 40. However, in recent years, women have been catching up to men. A 1997 Ball State University study suggests that young women, those under age 40, are just as likely to commit adultery as men their age. Among older couples, the stereotype of men being more likely to stray holds true.

Sex researchers agree that today more women are committing adultery. At the same time, more and more women are working outside the home alongside men, oftentimes in office environments that are charged with sexual electricity. In addition, some studies show that the more sexual partners a person has before marriage, the more likely she or he is to cheat on a spouse.

The reasons women cheat vary considerably. Some get involved in extramarital affairs because they are lonely, others because they want to escape the monotony of marriage. Still others are motivated to cheat due to revenge after they find lipstick or other tell-tale signs of their husbands' infidelity. Then there are the selfish, character-flawed women who marry good men who love and take care of them but continue to consort with other men for sexual excitement or for the money and other material goods the men can provide.

Sex researchers say that men sometimes get involved in affairs out of fear of getting too close to their wives or simply succumbing to temptation or their egos. But when it is the wife who strays, it often is due to hunger for emotional intimacy rather than a wish to avoid it. Dr. Joyce Hamilton Berry, a clinical psychologist with offices in Washington, D.C., and Columbia, Md., says that when men cheat, it is usually not an indication that they are unhappy in their marriages. "When I counsel clients, I compare male infidelity to a man walking into the kitchen and seeing a chocolate cake sitting on the counter. It looks good; it smells good. He is not hungry, but he will eat the cake anyway. In other words, men sometimes cheat when they see a woman who is attractive and appears to be interested, and even though there is nothing lacking in their marital relationships, they initiate affairs anyway. On the other hand, women usually cheat when the marriage is not fulfilling and is already in trouble. They cheat because they feel neglected, or because the husband has been unfaithful."

Audrey B. Chapman, a family therapist and author in Washington, D.C., concurs with Dr. Berry. "Men tend to want to massage their egos," she says. "Women, on the other hand, tend to cheat for support, nurturing and to reinforce their own desirability. They feel neglected themselves, and they decide to get it [sex] elsewhere."

Other therapists agree that many women feel they are taken for granted and viewed by their husbands simply as housekeepers, baby-sitters, errand-runners and providers of services needed for their own personal fulfillment or gratification. The women are unfulfilled sexually and emotionally. Consequently, the reason that a woman cheats has a lot to do with the man being cheated on.

According to relationship experts and women themselves, the following are among the reasons women cheat:

SELF-ESTEEM BOOST:

For various reasons, many women are emotionally needy, and they sometimes seek sex outside of marriage to confirm that they are okay, that they are beautiful and desirable, that they are sexy, that somebody loves them for the real women they are rather than for their cooking, housecleaning and child-rearing abilities. Sometimes the husband takes the wife and the marriage for granted, and she feels used. He never wants to go out for dinner or a movie. He hardly wants to talk and shows little interest in her job, her desires or her dreams. In fact, their conversations mostly revolve around home repairs and the children. A woman in such a situation is a prime candidate to seek self-assurance outside the marriage.

EMOTIONAL NEGLECT:

In today's society, there is much emphasis on achievement and accomplishment, on having prestigious commodities, such as a fabulous home and a stylish car, as well as fashionable clothes, jewelry and electronic toys. People work hard, and they play hard, so hard they often neglect their emotional lives. "By the time they get home from the job, they are used up," says family therapist Chapman. "There is no time or energy for a quality home life, so they get sex on the run, at home and otherwise. One of my clients says she occasionally gets a `hit' or what she calls a `booty call.' When you are living on the run, that's what it boils down to. Romance is removed, and the marriage becomes just a physical relationship or involvement." Many women need more than that, and sometimes they go outside the marriage to fulfill that emotional need. Another sex researcher says that "most women are having affairs because they are lonely for a more real relationship."