INFIDELITY II Why Women Cheat

Ebony, Dec, 1998 by Lynn Norment

`SUGAR DADDY' SEARCH:

Some women continue their search for that elusive "sugar daddy" even after they marry men who do not fit that ideal. Despite the fact the husband loves her and is a good father and a great provider, the woman wants more. Due to her own character flaws, she is attracted to men with money and power and position. When she has an affair, it is more about getting the material goods that she feels are missing in her life. She remains in her marriage, and may even love her husband, but gets the "whip cream" by engaging in an affair with a man who can provide her with furs, diamonds, travel and cash. She is primarily in the relationship for what she can get out of it. Dr. Berry says when she counsels women about the risks that they are taking, they often express no guilt. "They say to me: `Why should I give it up? He wants to give me these things,'" says Dr. Berry. "They are selfish and feel no guilt about the impact such a relationship could have on their husbands and marriages."

SEXUAL DEPRIVATION:

There are women who get involved in extramarital relationships purely for sex. When a woman reaches her sexual peak, in most cases her man is past his. The woman wants sex; her husband does not. Dr. Berry says that one client complained to her: "My husband is not responsive to me sexual]y anymore. It has been months since we've had sex. He'd rather play golf than have sex." Dr. Berry says this is a common complaint among women whose husbands are maturing. "As men age, their testosterone levels drop. They can't perform sexually as vigorously as they once did. With many men, their egos are very much tied to their sexual performance. So rather than continue to have sex with their wives, they completely withdraw. It's a performance issue," explains Dr. Berry. "They would rather not have sex at all rather than be embarrassed. They feel ashamed. Men often don't discuss their sexual problem to find a solution because of their pride and egos."

Consequently, the women are left in sexless relationships, and many times their husbands don't explain to them why they are shying away from sex. Instead, the women are left feeling that their husbands simply don't want them anymore. They feel deprived and neglected, making them prime candidates for affairs.

THE `LITTLE WOMAN' SYNDROME:

Today, there are many couples in which both husband and wife work. But regardless of what type of job either has, the man feels that his job is more important and more stressful. Dr. Berry recalls a couple in which, during counseling, the husband said: "I have a very demanding job. I'm tired when I get home." The wife responded: "I also have a demanding job, but I'm expected to come home from the office and cook, care for the children and clean the house. All you do is sit and watch television and complain about how tired you are."

"This is the little woman syndrome," says Dr. Berry. "The man works, the woman works, but the woman is expected to take care of all the man's needs and family's needs like women did in the '40s and '50s when they did not work outside the home. The man doesn't want to hire a housekeeper because he doesn't `want someone else going through my stuff.' He wants his wife to do it all. But the days of the '40s and '50s are long gone. Women are not just sitting there waiting to meet the man's needs."