Expert Advice on Love and Relationships - Brief Article

Ebony, Nov, 1999

`Should I tell my male friend that I want more than just sex?'

I am a 21-year-old Black female. I have been friends with a 26-year-old Black male for about four years now. We have been intimate many times before. My problem is that I would like friends. I have developed strong feelings for him. I'm not sure how he feels about me. He's always saying how he can be faithful and is ready to settle down and get married. My heart tells me to go ahead and put my feelings on the table. What if he does not feel the way I do? should I continue to be his friend until he lets me know what he wants to do? Q.W., Muskegon, Mich.

You are already more than "friends." Since what you want is a committed relationship, you should express your feelings to your partner. You have nothing to lose. If your "friendship" is threatened by flour declaration of the heart, it was not worth having anyway. But do not continue to sell yourself cheap. If your friend is not willing or ready to commit, then stop having sex with him. Sex is not a perk of friendship.

Help! I am 25 years old, a college graduate and I still live at home with my stepmother. I also have a very jealous and controlling sister. I don't know if this is common among young men like myself, but I have been controlled all my life to the point that I can't make any decisions on my own. Recently I fell in love with a woman who is very beautiful inside, and out. We had been serious for about six months and she was there for me at very difficult times. We had an argument because she could not cope with the fact that since my father passed away, my family has become more dependent on me than ever. I follow my family's advice and broke up with the girl of my dreams. Now I am feeling miserable and I am wondering if my family helped me sabotage a good relationship because they felt threatened. I do a lot of things for them. For example, I pay the mortgage, wash dishes, clean my sister's houses and ears. I even work nights just so I can drive my sister's children back and forth. They always remind me of how much they did for me when I was a child. I feel terrible about breaking up with my girlfriend, hut my family won't accept her. What am I to do? I am confused and desperate. P.N., Miami, Fla.

You should immediately seek counseling to help you break free of the grip your controlling family has on your finances and your life. With counseling you should be able to build your self-esteem, move out and get a life. You don't owe your stepmother and sister your life and income. If you continue in this unhealthy family situation, you have no one to blame but yourself.

About nine months ago I thought I met the man of my dreams, and for a while he was. He moved thousands of miles to live with his sister here and to get away from the tough neighborhood he grew up in. I don't think that he knew this state was going to be so, well, low key. After about two months, he began thinking about moving back but refrained because he said that he loved me. A few weeks later he told me his aunt was sick and he had to go back. The original plan was that he would come back in two weeks. Well, two weeks became two months and so on. I asked him at least to write me. So here I am seven months later with my boyfriend still gone. That's not even the worst part. He wrote me twice (with no return address), and he called me twice. One of those times was to tell me he was coming back. I am confused. I thought he loved me. S.S., Colorado Springs, Colo.

Whether he truly loves you is questionable, but there is no question that your runaway lover has not been honest. Get over him and get on with your life. Don't spend another day hoping he will return. That may be hard for you to do with a broken heart, but the sooner you get over him, the better off you will be. And when he pops into town again, which he undoubtedly will do, let him know that your heart is not a play toy. If you give in and continue your relationship with him, he will love and leave you again. He has nothing to lose. You must remain in control of your life. Don't relinquish it to a man who obviously is living a double life.

This letter is in response to the letter from T.L., of Brooklyn Park, Minn., (July 1999). I am a 31-year-old Black, single mother of two beautiful daughters. I, too, find that it is hard to find a meaningful, sincere relationship with a good Black man. Although I am a single mother and I have a full-time career, I also take care of two aging parents. God willing, I would welcome a good man, no matter how many children or what their race may be. Children are a Godsend and should be treated as such. So my advice to you is to concentrate on raising your son to be a good man, and don't "look" for love; let love find you. When the time is right, it will happen. Good luck. E.T., Sumter S.C.

The EBONY Advisor received a number of letters from readers who empathize with the single father in Minnesota. The resounding message is that single dads and single moms should seek each other. People with common interests, issues and concerns are more likely to be compatible. Many single parents look for love in all the wrong places when it might be as close as a PTA meeting.