The 10 Top Taboos Of Male/Female Relationships

Ebony, Nov, 2001 by Zondra Hughes

WHAT'S taboo to you? Think about it--what's the one relationship breach that would cause you to dump your spouse or lover on the spot--or at least sleep with one eye open from here on out?

Relationship experts say there are a host of relationship no-nos that many lovers assume their partner is aware of, but it's best to be upfront about your boundaries and your expectations. Here, then, are the 10 top relationship taboos that, if breached, can send a love affair straight to the bone yard.

1| FLIRTING WITH A MATE'S FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER

Nothing is more infuriating than to be crossed by those we trust to love and respect us. It's bad enough to find out that a lover is creeping around behind your back, but to do it with a friend or a family member is a double cross--a backstabbing twice, a double dose of betrayal. "That's a definite no-no. When we disrespect boundaries in our interpersonal relationships, it sends mixed messages and it can also be deemed disrespectful," says Anthony P. Young, national president of the Association of Black Psychologists. "Flirting with one's family member or close associates can really damage or injure interpersonal relationships significantly. A wronged lover can be very unforgiving if you made an error of that type." The bottom line is that your mate's relatives, friends and associates are out of bounds.

2| HIV-POSITIVE AND KEEPING IT ON THE DOWN-LOW

If you're HIV-positive, it is your responsibility to make your partner aware of this before engaging in an intimate relationship. Not only is it irresponsible to keep such a secret, it's also illegal in several states. California's willful exposure law (Senate Bill 705) makes it a felony punishable by up to eight years of imprisonment for an HIV-positive person to "knowingly expose another person to HIV by engaging in unprotected sex."

Nationally there are at least 30 states that have established criminal policies about knowingly exposing another person to HIV. The United States Sentencing Commission states that "intentional exposure of another to HIV may be relevant under several more specific Commission provisions, including physical injury, extreme psychological injury and extreme conduct."

Not only HIV, but all sexually transmitted diseases should be reported and discussed. In this new sexual climate it's a matter of life or death for couples to exchange sexual histories, and some people go even further, saying that both partners should be tested before getting intimate.

Houston-area psychologist Lesajean Jennings adds that you should be especially careful when dating. "In this day of AIDS, herpes, and everything else that can last a lifetime or even kill you, it's important that you practice safe sex, no matter what."

3| UNDISCLOSED POLICE RECORD

W. Kendrick Berry is a dream man by many Sisters' standards: He's tall, dark and handsome, educated, eloquent, makes good money and drives a souped-up Ford SUV. The paralegal has also served several years in the penitentiary for a crime he didn't commit. "Although I spent over eight years in prison, I do not have a criminal record (his convictions were overturned). But the fact remains that even though I was innocent, I must still account for over eight [lost] years," Bent explains. "I do not lie, but I am guarded with this information. The relationship must have potential in order for me to divulge the intricacies of my past. I am a better man today, and those who unfairly judge me because of my past don't belong in my life. It's their loss."

Whatever the circumstances, it's important to tell your partner about major criminal infractions in your past, says Chicago relationship therapist Helen Evans. Dr. Evans says she understands the temptation to withhold past criminal behavior from a potential mate, but honesty is definitely the best policy, especially when the relationship is getting serious. "You need to be honest and forthright about your police record. Secrets don't remain secrets, and the fact that you're trying to keep a secret like that will have a tremendous negative impact on your relationship," she says. In this information age, you can't hide your past, so don't even try it. Just tell the truth.

4| HYGIENE ISSUES

Let's get real--no one loves to be around a dirty diva or playa. This means clean nails, clean hair, clean skin and clean clothes, and a smell like a bed of roses. But good hygiene doesn't end with the body--your living quarters are expected to be up to par as well.

"Sure, he'll step over the garbage in the kitchen to get to the bedroom," Dr. Young quips. "But he's not looking for a long-lasting relationship because the dirty house indicates what she really thinks of herself, and that he can't expect to be nurtured by that individual." Women are also turned off by a man who lives in a pigsty.

Jules Davis (not her real name) dated an attractive little league baseball coach for a month before he decided to prepare a romantic meal for them at his home. That was the last time he heard from her. "On the surface this man was immaculate," she bemused. "Tailored suits, nice clean car, plus he was an all-around good guy. But I went to his home and his front room was disgusting; he cleaned off the table for dinner and I still wouldn't eat a thing."