The Ebony Advisor - answers to questions about relationships - Brief Article

Ebony, Nov, 2001

Expert Advice on Love and Relationships

`Am I shallow for [being reluctant to marry my 400-pound suitor]?'

I am a single, 28-year-old professional female. As a person who enjoys staying physically fit and eating nutritiously, I pride myself on my athletic physique--5-foot-10, 155 pounds. I've met someone who wants a relationship, but he is not physically attractive to me. After many years of dating, and having only one committed relationship in the last seven years, I am ready to settle down and get married. Lately, several friends, relatives and even co-workers have asked if I have a boyfriend, and "Why aren't you get married yet?" Many know that I've only had one serious boyfriend, whom I dated for four years. I've tried taking my time to make sure that I make a wise decision about my future husband. However, I am beginning to feel as if I'm running out of time. Recently, I met a 34-year-old professional man. He's very considerate, generous and has asked me to marry him. There is one problem: He weighs more than 400 pounds and is out of shape! I've developed a friendship with him, thinking that I could grow to love him for his character despite his weight, but I am just not happy with this situation. I have been told that you can't change a person. Am I shallow for thinking this way, and am I missing out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity? F. J., Atlanta, Ga.

Not knowing more about you and your 400-pound suitor, it is impossible to say whether you are missing out on a "once-in-a-lifetime opportunity." You did not indicate that you love him, and that certainly should be a determining factor in whether you marry him or anyone else. You also didn't say whether you have been intimate with him, but we will assume you have, considering the fact that he is asking to marry you. Many women who felt they could not deal with an oversized lover or husband have been surprised to discover that body mass has nothing to do with love or sexual prowess. In fact, some women report that the best lovers of their lives have been big men. But love and marriage are highly personal matters of the heart. Since you obviously are not sure about your suitor, take your time and get to know him better. Such major decisions should not be made in a hurry. You say that time is running out, but that is not true. Slow down. At age 28, you have plenty of time to connect with Mr. Right and find love and marriage. Just take your time and enjoy your relationship and life in general. You may come to realize that body size does not matter when it comes to choosing a loving, compatible life partner.

A platonic woman friend of mine recently told me she thought about asking me to escort her to her high school class reunion. Her boyfriend will be out of town and unable to take her. I told her that I'd be happy to take her and casually commented that perhaps I may meet someone there. My friend became very angry with me and couldn't believe that I would go to her class reunion "on the prowl." If I were to escort her to the reunion and happen to meet someone (discreetly, of course), does that mean "so sad, too bad" for me because I'm her escort? After the reunion ends, she'll go back to her boyfriend while I'll have nobody. What's your opinion about the matter? Philadelphia, Pa.

Maybe your woman friend really wants more than a platonic relationship. Or maybe she just wants everyone at her high school reunion to assume that you are her man and she doesn't want to be embarrassed. Or maybe she's just selfish and wants to keep you and all the fun to herself. But your position is understood, and you seem to have the right attitude about it. If you escort her to the reunion, and if you meet someone who catches your attention, handle it discreetly. After all, life goes on after the reunion.

What can I do to improve my relationship with my partner? I have been dating this one guy for eight years. I've been faithful to him since we got together. The first three years were great. We would go out to movies and dinner or he included me in his weekend activities. Now, for the past three months, he's put distance between us. He doesn't visit; he doesn't call. When I call or page him, he's always busy. There's always some reason when it comes to me. I question him, but he doesn't give any kind of reason for his change of attitude toward me. He doesn't talk to me about what's bothering him. I ask if he wants to "end our relationship," but he doesn't say what he wants to do. I've tried and tried to keep this relationship going. Now I really don't know if I should bother trying to make it work. He also works and that is one of his reasons for not spending time with me. He's always "on call." L.N., Florida

Face the facts: It's over. In your heart you probably already know this, but you are hoping to find signs of life in your dead relationship. Unfortunately, your partner (former partner) has diverted his interest and affection elsewhere. But the least he could do is discuss this with you and officially end the relationship. Many men and women both can't muster the nerve and honesty to bring closure to a dying or dead relationship. Perhaps he dreads confrontation. Or maybe he is not sure, yet, if the new relationship (if there is a new relationship) will work out. So, instead of doing the right thing, he just keeps you hanging on. Let go and move on. He has.