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Expert advice on love and relationships - The Ebony Advisor

Ebony, Nov, 2002

`Should I break up with him so I can explore those things I want to do?'

Q I am a 21-year-old college senior looking forward to graduating this fall and moving on to graduate school. I have been in a three-year relationship with a wonderful young man, and my leaving has been very hard on us. Although I love him dearly, I am also looking forward to my move. I feel like I've missed out on a lot of things in college because first I've always put my relationship first (I've only had two relationships in my life, and I don't know if I've had enough life experience to say I can truly be dedicated to this man for the rest of my life. Should I be honest and break up with him so I can explore those things I want to do (new, non-sexual relationships, closeness to God), or should I just see what happens down the road? I am afraid to break up with him because I know he wouldn't understand where I am coming from. He loves me so much, and I don't want to hurt him. Please help!

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S.Y., Florida

A Be honest and explain our feelings to your boyfriend Tell him you need a little breathing room. He may not take it well, but he will admire and respect you for your honesty. The decisions you make in the next few years will affect the quality of your life for many years to come. Take your time, ponder your options and make wise decisions. Don't commit to a man you do not love. Don't worry about hurting his feelings. Do what is right for you.

Q Two months ago I met a man online and we really hit it off. He was everything I wanted in a man--sexy, sensitive (he wrote poetry), affectionate, romantic, God-fearing and attentive to me. Before we met in person, we talked twice a day for hours. I have flown to see him twice and had a beautiful time. However, after the second meeting the vibe changed suddenly. He doesn't call me anymore. When I call him, he barely says two words to me, always saying he's too tired to talk. We live in different states, and with his financial situation and baby-momma drama, he can't afford to visit me. Nor will he help me pay for my visits. I offered to relocate to his city, but he doesn't want to feel responsible if things don't work out. As if that's not enough for me to leave this Brother alone, he also tells me he is hesitating get more involved because he might be "settling" if he stays with me. He says he may change, but he doesn't know when, so I should hang around just in case. He also maintains close friendships with other women he has met online; I have a problem with that too. He says he will be monogamous sexually, but I should not expect him to be a "boyfriend." Should I hang in there a little longer or am I wasting time?

R.B., Denver

A There is absolutely nothing for you to hang around for. This man has told you in words and deeds that he is not interested in you--beyond, perhaps, the excitement of the first sexual encounter. Don't let yourself be exploited further. He's already moved on to new conquests. Learn from your mistakes and stop traveling to meet and sleep with men you've met on the Internet. It is dangerous and foolish. Aside from that, this man is a player and master manipulator. Count your blessings and move on.

Q I'm a 20-year-old college student. I do not enjoy dating guys my age, but usually the "older" guys, 24 and 25, already have children or they're married. I have no kids and I don't want my partner to have any either. Should I just settle for the "baggage" that older men have, or play house with the young bucks? I am seeking a relationship that could eventually lead to marriage. What should I do?

L.D., Virginia

A Age is not the problem. Your choice of potential partners is. Do not date married men and don't "settle" for those who have children (they're not baggage!), if that is not the life you want. Date men who have values, interests and goals that are compatible with your own. You have no reason to rush, and certainly no reason to "play house" with anyone. Enjoy your life, respect and love yourself and the right guy will come along.

Q I have known my boyfriend for almost six years. We met when we were both in high school. I became a mother when I was 16. Now my baby is 5 years old. I love this young man too much, but his driving me crazy. We have broken up two or three times during those 6 years. Now I'm pregnant with his second child. He has asked me to marry him three times, but I refuse. I can't have any friends because he's so jealous. He told me that the reason I'm having this baby is because he wants me to be his wife. He's a great man but at the same time he is bad. The reason that I refuse to marry him is because he's cheating all the time. Should I marry him, or should I let him go? I love him, and he is my world. I need your help.

C.P., Boston

A Marriage counselors say that partners usually don't change after marriage. Problems and personality flaws often get worse. Have a heart-to-heart talk with your boyfriend about his jealousy and womanizing. Let him know that you love him and want to marry him, but you are reluctant because of these two concerns. Then you must make a hard decision--one that you should have made before you got pregnant. Can you deal with his jealousy and womanizing? If not, say goodbye and move on.

Expert advice on love and relationships - The Ebony Advisor

Ebony, Nov, 2002

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