The Ebony advisor: expert advice on love and relationships

Q Some guys and I had a discussion about penis enlargement pills. Some say that they work; I say give me a break. They claim to have spent money buying this stuff and have gotten real results. You see ads in body builders' and men's magazines. Please clear the air for these guys and answer this question: Is there any penis enlargement pill that really works, or do you agree with me that it's a rip-off?

Missouri

A You are right. James K. Bennett, M.D., a urologist in Atlanta, says there are no such pills to enlarge the penis. There is a surgical procedure during which an incision is made at the base of the penis to cut the suspensory ligament, thereby causing the penis to "drop a bit." However, Dr. Bennett says that this procedure only gives an illusionary effect, for the penis is actually the same size. Others advocate injections, says Dr. Bennett, but the fat that is injected is absorbed by the body, leaving the penis its original size. So, according to medical experts, there is no miracle pill or proven surgical procedure to enlarge the penis.

Q I am trapped in a whirlwind relationship that's been off and on for the last 18 years. I lost my virginity to this man, my "first love," and I've been in other relationships since then. He (my first love) seems to always contact me when I'm at my weakest point. He knows how to use the words and the moves. Now he wants us to make it permanent. I told him he has to prove himself, financially and mentally. He replied, "I don't have to prove anything to anybody." My mind tells me to go on with my life without him. However, I don't know how to resist his charms.

New York

A Get counseling so that you can determine and understand why you continue to let yourself be manipulated by this man. You have been seeing him for 18 years. How long will it take for you to see clearly that he is not the right man for you? You want him to prove himself. But he already has. If he has treated you lovingly and with respect during those 18 years, then that is what you can expect in the future. (And you would not have had the need to write your letter.) If he has acted responsibly concerning money and your feelings, you can expect more of that. From your letter, it is clear that you are not confident that this man is the best choice for you. Face reality and move on with your life. Eighteen years is long enough.

Q My girlfriend has been having problems and no one seems to be able to help her. In certain (mostly stressful) situations, she gets nervous, sweaty, dizzy, and numb. Her stomach knots up. These episodes last 10 minutes to an hour. She says her chest hurts, she can barely breathe and she feels like she's going to die. I took her to a doctor and they ran all kinds of tests, checked her heart and told her that nothing was wrong, that it was all in her head. But I've been with her when it happens, and it is not just in her head. It affects her physically. I know there is a problem, but we just can't figure out what it is. What should she do now?

Tennessee

A According to board-certified psychiatrist Helen Davis Gardner, M.D., of Chicago, you were wise to get your girlfriend to a doctor. That is the first step to rule out heart, respiratory or other medical problems. Her symptoms sound like a panic attack, which are short episodes of anxiety, dizziness, panic, increased heart rate, chest pain, nausea, shortness of breath, sweating, even numbness and tingling, chills or hot flashes. A psychiatrist can diagnose and treat such symptoms, and help her understand the cause. She should make an appointment with a psychiatrist so that she can get help and get back to a normal life.

The Ebony Advisor is a question-and-answer column to help our readers with their problems. Answers to all questions are thoroughly researched and, if necessary, checked with competent psychiatrists, psychologists, medical doctors, sociologists and other experts in family counseling. If you have questions, please send them to The Ebony Advisor, EBONY Magazine, 820 South Michigan Avenue, Chicago, IL 60605. Only the cities or states of those submitting questions will be published. Because of the large volume of mail we receive, we cannot send personal replies.

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