The joys and dangers of flirting; how to flirt when to flirt when not to flirt

Ebony, Nov, 2003 by Nikitta A. Foston

Another Sister says the best flirting she's experienced happened at a grocery store when a gentleman smiled and said, "Would you like to go ahead of me?" That single question sparked a conversation where they learned a lot about each other and eventually went out together."

Generally, the best flirtatious lines are those that are universal and can be equally effective for both men and women: "Don't I know you from somewhere?" "Did you go to State University ... you look so familiar?" "What field are you in?" or "Do you work around here?"

By contrast, the worst lines are those that have been said 1,000 times and are more insulting than complimentary: "How did you fit all that into those jeans?" "Do fries come with that shake?"

Men and women have different approaches to flirting. Women, in general, are more mature in the way they flirt and are more determined. Men, by contrast, are likely to be more impulsive, less thoughtful about the after-effects and more concerned with the fear of a woman's rejection.

WHERE TO FLIRT

Dr. Jeff Gardere, host of the New York radio show Conversations with Dr. Jeff, says that almost any place is a good place to flirt. From grocery stores to laundromats to the post office, there is a range of options. "Church is an excellent place for flirting, absolutely the best place," he says. "You're there to celebrate life and the praising of the Lord, so what better place to open yourself to someone else. I recommend it to all my clients. I tell them 'Go to church if you want to find a good woman.'"

But the radio show host warns against office flirtation. "Flirting in the office can be dangerous, and therefore it must be very innocent, more complimentary than anything else," he says. "But anything else and anywhere else is fair game .

Everyday situations offer freedom from the pressures of formal dating. "I think if you're at the park, at the cleaners or at the mall" Toya Dixon says, "those are the best times to meet and flirt. It's casual and it's a great time to be friendly with no preconceived motives or hidden agendas."

Other venues that are conducive to flirting are social conferences, cultural events, concerts, after-work affairs, picnics, museums, libraries and business and professional conferences. Places such as airports, casinos, train stations, fitness centers, jogging paths, and parks are perfect spots for flirtation. And according to some Sisters, home improvement stores and car washes are prime locations for flirting with men.

FLIRTING AND MARRIAGE

Although single people are engaged in the flirting game, there is a fierce debate regarding whether married people should participate. Some experts say that flirting with other people is a necessary component of a healthy relationship. But others consider flirting while married synonymous with cheating.

"Flirting with other people when you're married is okay," says Dr. Gardere, the author and radio host. "Flirting is a healthy thing because instead of keeping your sexuality caged up inside where it may be expressed in dangerous ways or extramarital affairs, it allows you to make someone else feel good and it makes you feel good. I encourage married people to flirt as long as they keep it at the flirtation stage."