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The Ebony advisor: expert advice on love and relationships
Ebony, Nov, 2005
Q My husband and I have a wonderful marriage and relationship. However, my best friend and I have established strong emotional feelings over the years. The sexual tension is becoming more than I can bear. I'm not gay, but I have fallen in love with my best friend. We have never had an intimate moment, but it is quite apparent that she is in love with me. Both our husbands have asked if there's something going on between us. Should I discuss this attraction with my husband? Am I gay? Is it normal for two women who are close to have such feelings? I love my family and my life, but my urge to sleep with her is overwhelming. Please help!
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A Some women who have a strong emotional connection to women friends mistake intense feelings for sexual love when it really is just a true bond. Sex therapist Hope Ashby, Ph.D., suggests that you ponder these questions: How long have you been "best friends" and why are these feelings coming to this fever pitch now? If you are happily married, why do you feel so intensely about this woman when such feelings should be reserved for your husband? Have you ever had such intense feelings and sexual urges for your husband? Are you thinking about your friend when you are intimate with him? "Discussing this attraction with your husband would not be prudent, but it would be wise to talk to your friend about it," advises Dr. Ashby. "And, yes, it is possible that you are a lesbian, but you should talk to a therapist to try to sort it out."
Q For a year I have been in a relationship with a man who will not give me his home number or invite me to his house. I mentioned my concerns to him and he said he lives with his son in cramped conditions; later he told me he moved in with his mother. Even though we have great chemistry and great sex, should I consider a serious relationship?
A Definitely not. In fact, it may be in your best interest to end the relationship. Be aware that some men, and some women, freely give out their mobile phone numbers but not their home numbers because they are married or otherwise in a committed relationship. In addition, if he is not financially stable enough to have his own place, is he really someone you want to continue to date? He may try to move in with you next time. If you have been having sex with this man for a year, you should know much more about him, especially where he lives.
Q I'm a 21-year-old female and I have a problem having an orgasm. Over 2 1/2 tears, I can count on one hand the times I had an orgasm with my ex-boyfriend. I've been with someone new for a month, and he can't please me either. It feels good and everything, but I cannot orgasm every time we have sex. During a week, I can maybe have an orgasm once or twice, and that's a problem for him. Is there a medicine that I can take to help me with this problem?
A Few women experience an orgasm every time they have sex. And many forget that the brain is the biggest sex organ, and if you are preoccupied mentally with other issues, it affects your ability to achieve an orgasm. Your boyfriend seems to want to please you, but it also appears that he feels your problem is a reflection on his abilities, and it may not be. You should visit a doctor who specializes in female sexual issues and have a frank discussion about your problem. It may just be that you are not getting enough blood flow to your genital area, or it may be for psychological reasons.
The EBONY Advisor is a question-and-answer column designed to help our readers with their problems. Answers to all questions are thoroughly researched and, if necessary, checked with competent psychiatrists, psychologists, medical doctors, sociologists and other experts in family counseling. If you have questions, go to Talk To Ebony at www.ebony.com, or send them to The EBONY Advisor, EBONY Magazine, 820 South Michigan Avenue, Chicago, IL 60605. Only the cities or states of those submitting questions will be published. Because of the large volume of mail we receive, we cannot send personal replies.
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