Expert advice on love & relationships: Doctor Joyce answers your questions about marriage and dating

Q I am a "saved" 46-year-old. I have a nice career. I am independent and attractive. I have a nice home and do well for myself. I met someone 12 years ago, and 10 years ago we dated briefly. But because of my religious beliefs, we decided to remain just friends. I have tried to move on. I have dated a few other men but feel this man is the one. I have not seen this man in four years. I have talked to him by phone briefly. My friends tell me to move on. Because we have different schedules, it makes it difficult to meet each other. I want to move on but my heart and spirit tell me he is the one. I think about him every day. What should I do? I have met other men but none can compare to him.

Can't Hurry Love in Indiana

Dear Can't Hurry Love:

Your behavior appears to be obsessive. You have not seen him in four years; you have talked briefly by phone, but you think of him every day. It appears that you are the one who is maintaining a "relationship." If he were in this relationship with you, the two of you would meet, talk and do things together. You say that 10 years ago, the relationship was not mutually satisfying because of your religious differences. Have your religious beliefs changed since then? You say you have "tried" and "wanted" to move on; now DO IT. Make a decision to move on, develop and implement a plan to do so. Some suggested activities: Become a volunteer at your local hospital, elementary school or library. Become a mentor for a child in your church, neighborhood or through a community organization. Take a hand dancing or ballroom dancing class. Join an aerobics or belly-dancing class. Join or form a book club. Finally, whenever you think of him, put a dollar in a jar, and at the end of the month give the money to an organization you don't like, such as the KKK. That will really give you something to think about.

Q I have been married for 12 years to my wife, and we are parents of three sons, ages 11, 8 and 3. They haven't been without my daily presence until I recently moved to another state. Yes, marriages do have many trying times, but it is even more trying when the mother-in-law gets involved. With my wife and me being strong Christians, one would imagine that faith, belief and prayer would be more present. However, that is not the case, and my wife does everything to please her mother--even keeping our sons away from me. Emotionally my wife and her mother are both needing clinical help from the loss of my father-in-law (three years ago), his mother (two years ago) and an uncle (four months ago). But neither will admit it, therefore I am without my sons in my life. Having grown up without my biological father, I don't want my sons to endure the same pain. If there is help for a Brother who loves his kids, please, please send it to me.

Lonely and Unloved in Columbus, Ohio

Dear Lonely and Unloved:

You left out some pertinent information, such as whether your move to another state was a job requirement or to find a job. Is the move temporary or permanent? Is there a marital separation? Regardless, some recommendations to help a "Brother who loves his kids" are: Establish a regular schedule for your visits with the family and for their visits with you. If your wife will not maintain and support the visitation plan, request couples counseling to facilitate resolution of the problems. You mentioned that you and your wife are both "strong Christians." Therefore you should seek counseling with your pastor. Your mother-in-law is not the real problem. If your wife refuses to work on the family problems, you must seek legal remedies. DO NOT ABANDON YOUR SONS. Your children need your love, guidance and involvement in their lives. Hopefully, you and your wife will resolve your differences and build a strong family.

Joyce Hamilton Berry, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist with offices in Washington, D.C., and Columbia, Md.

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