Can married men and women just be friends with the opposite sex? Yes. 'Jealousy reflects a total lack of self-confidence'

This part of my past unfolds like a cinematic romantic comedy. Girl meets boy and they fall in love. It's all wonderful until it isn't anymore and girl and boy part. Boy marries and starts a family. Some years later, boy and girl rekindle their friendship over long lunches and telephone conversations. When the former girlfriend marries, the ex and his wife take the wedding photographs. The newlyweds move to the same suburb where the ex lives, and now both couples are neighbors, attending each other's backyard barbecues and dinner parties. When the ex-girlfriend's marriage ends, the ex-boyfriend remains the friend in time of need, weighing-in with sympathy and wise counsel.

My friendship with this man has become a constant in my life, a relationship I now treasure. Through him, I have learned that the end of one dose relationship can mark the beginning of another special connection. From his wife, a woman completely at ease in the skin she is in, I've discovered how beautiful and proud you stand when you're unthreatened by the female friends in your husband's life. "Jealousy reflects a total lack of self-confidence," she says. "It creates fear and obstacles, and brings nothing good to your marriage."

The idea that platonic friends have no place in a married couple's life is an outmoded convention, a throwback to the days when after the big dinners, the men headed for the parlor to drink bourbon while the woman gathered in the kitchen. Today our lives intersect on so many levels. We work side-by-side in the workplace and workout alongside each other in the gym. We're also marrying later and more frequently. The close relationships we develop along the way--with classmates, colleagues, bosses, mentors, mates and lovers, men and women--provide continuity and keep us grounded.

When we marry, we often neglect these relationships. We'll even abandon our same-sex friends, especially if those friends are single. This is a mistake. Ideally, your spouse is also your best friend, but not your only friend. Your mate's needs and priorities always take precedence over those of your friends. But you and your marriage inevitably suffer when your mate becomes your entire world.

Consider yourself fortunate if you're married and still have at least one close friend--not someone you hook up with on the sly--who is a member of the opposite sex. This person can be a great sounding board when you and your partner are going through one of those communications meltdowns that morph into prolonged silences. A woman's great guy-friend can be her husband's ally and remind her to be patient when her mate temporarily retreats into his man-cave. Likewise, a man's gal-pal can help him understand why his wife reacted that way when he gave her a gift-wrapped bag Of fried pork rinds for Valentine's Day.

But you have to choose your friends carefully. Ever present, overly needy friends of any gender can trigger discord in a marriage. You also have to be mature enough to confront your own ulterior motives. People unhappy in their marriage can use their outside friendships as a wedge to create marital drama. "My wife thinks something is going on between us," one male friend who I might run into once a year confided to me. The seeds of any suspicions about me were clearly planted by him. I knew then it was time to put even more distance between us.

For there to be space in a marriage for each other's friendships, there needs to be the highest level of self-respect, open communication, trust and trustworthiness from all parties. This is smart, grown-up behavior that some people just can't master. One longtime male friend of mine has a chronic itch he must scratch. Now married to wife No. 3, he's still on the prowl. His wife has no need to worry about his female friends. We know him for what he is and call him out on it. It's the more casual acquaintances--the woman sitting near him in the club when his wife gets up and goes to the bathroom--who pose the greater threat to their marriage.

Men and women who cannot be trusted to honor the sanctity of marriage are people who can't be trusted. No outside bans or prohibitions can change them. But when wives and husbands and their male and female friends share similar values and have a strong sense of personal integrity, they can form a community that can support the marital bond. I was in my ex's home for a recent Sunday afternoon gathering. My mother and daughter were there, along with his older brother, his wife, their son and some of his wife's relatives. There was so much storytelling and shared history in the room that day. I remember thinking: "It doesn't get too much better than this."

Diane Weathers, former Editor in Chief of Essence magazine, is a New Jersey real estate agent and veteran journalist. She is currently working on a novel.

COPYRIGHT 2007 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2008 Gale, Cengage Learning